I cried again tonite. It happens often. Usually when I talk about open hearts. You see I lived most of my life with a not-so-open heart. It was...just the way I was. I don't think you would say I was mean or rude or unapproachable, I was just, clueless. I lived in a bubble.
A middle class, white collar, republican, bubble. I did what I was supposed to, and I took care of my own. That is how I was raised, to be hard working, dependable, honest, self sufficient, and focused. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but, I was missing something.
I was missing my heart.
I found my heart when I met Sadie. Why? there is no explanation that makes any sense. She needed me, or maybe more importantly, I needed her.
When Alec first told me what he was interested in a girl from Union High School's musical, a Hispanic girl at that, (I believe I actually referred to her as Mexican then ), I reacted like I was my mother. I questioned her motives, her character, her family, her everything, because her name was Mercedes DeJesus. And to me that sounded different, and different was not good.
Ouch. She didn't deserve that, and neither did he. He is a smart kid. He knows someone special when he meets them. And I should have known that my worries and my reaction were 100% ridiculous. But I didn't. I gave him the lecture about being careful, about not sharing too much information anyway. And he laughed at me.
I am embarrassed to admit I even asked if she was in a gang, and warned him about the dangers of her asking for money from him. As if she would ever do that.
For all the self esteem issues Sadie has had in life, when she first met me, she held her own. She was not only likeable; but memorable and she had "moxie".
mox·ie Slang. 1.vigor; verve; pep. 2.courage and aggressiveness; nerve. 3.skill; know-how.
Yeah, truth time. I wanted to be like Sadie.
She met our friends Mark and Barb, kind of spur of the moment, at their house, soon after I had met her for the first time. Can I just say that Mark scares me sometimes, and I've known him for years, but she held her own. She gave back everything he threw at her: attitude, humor, savvy. I will admit that even I cave under pressure when he is in a mood, and end up feeling less than confident about myself.
But Sadie was brilliant.
I think that was the turning point for me. I went from questioning her, to loving her. Just like that. (Okay so she did get in the car the first time I met her and asked Alec, how come you didn't tell me your parents were so young? That did help, a little.)
When my heart opened and I saw who she really was, I realized that not only was she a strong person, but she was her own person, a person destined for greatness, despite her situation. I so wanted to be like her.
Her strength, gave me strength. And from that day forward my life has been something it never was, something better that it ever was, and something that I can now be proud of.
Thank you Sadie, for awakening in me, the heart I never knew was there.