It's hard not to be angry.
I sat and listened to them tell me that my son Jeffrey likely suffers from PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Something usually associated with war veterans, rape survivors, and kidnap and accident victims after their traumatic experiences.
How would you feel if the cause of your PTSD was your own mother? What if the depression, hopelessness and anxiety you face every day, was caused by the person who was supposed to love you the most, your mother.
How would you take that news? My reaction upon learning this, is disgust. As I sat there and listened to the results of the tests Jeffrey had taken, I alternately wanted to scream and/or cry. How can this be?
Admittedly I want to punch his mother in the face. I know, that is not the proper reaction, but it is an honest one. I cannot understand how it must be to be him, and know that life could be so different, if only. I realize now that this effort to raise Jeffrey is far more complicated that I originally thought.
And yet I am humbled that this adorable child has been led to our door, and that we are charged with the responsibility of helping him learn to deal with this, maybe even to learn to overcome it. If our guidance and love can better equip him to navigate through life with confidence, to see an end to the dark days, then I am up for the challenge.
Am I worthy of such a charge? Probably not. I have never been a patient, accepting, non judgemental person. Ever. I always aspired to get the kind of personality test results that my sister and husband have always gotten. The kind that said you were sympathetic and kind, accepting and altruistic. Unfortunately, I have never been that person, well, maybe not until I met Sadie. She has changed me. Heck, she changed all of us. Helping her prepared us to raise Jeffrey, to accept him and to love him wholeheartedly: it was all part of a master plan.
I am thankful every day that I have a chance, actually that we have a chance, to make a difference in Jeffrey's life. He is an awesome kid with so much resilience and so much potential. It is hard to see him as a PTSD survivor, and yet he is.
My hope is that in time, Jeffrey will feel the love that we have to give, and know that it is unconditional. That we are here to help and support him, and not make life more challenging. I want to be able to lead by example, and impress upon him the importance of reaching out to help others in need. I want my biological children to learn the same thing.
I know already I am a better human being, because of meeting Sadie & Jeffrey. They are helping me become the person I have always aspired to be.