One year ago tonight you left this world. I'm not sure a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you at least once. You are a part of me now; my prayers, my conscience, my wisdom. Even when people think I am talking to "myself", I'm really talking to you.
What a difference a year makes.
I think you might approve of the person I am now Addie. And a really big reason I have grown so much is because of you.
Some of the situations I have had to face this past year, especially with Mitch, were so much harder and different than I ever imagined. There were so many times I had no idea what to do, and somehow I knew you were with me patiently attempting to show me the way.
Last April as I walked among the scattered wreckage on that Iowa road with your mom I searched for signs of your presence. At the time I had only barely begun what I will refer to as my year of spiritual growth so I wasn't able to pick up on any signs you may have tried to leave for me, and truthfully even if I had, I would have passed them off as just my imagination. I grieved for you and for your mom and Jack, and I feared I would not know how to help them through this.
You started trying to get my attention soon after I left Iowa wearing your necklace. Those mornings you would make it fall off seemingly randomly and for no reason as I sat in front of the computer with my coffee. But looking back, it really wasn't random at all -- you were slowly waking me up me to your presence-- and you made sure I was always at home and in no danger of losing your necklace.
I was a slow learner and it took three or four tries before I stopped thinking your necklace was just fastened wrong, or that it had broken. Pretty sure having the Matilda dvd fall off the shelf in your room at home while I was talking to your mom on the phone sealed the deal for me.
And once I figured out it was you I began to "wake up" to so many things I had been missing.
You have taught me so much.
Your necklace hasn't fallen off my neck in almost 9 months. I find that my hand makes its way to your necklace several times a day (to make sure it is still there?) or to reassure me that I am not alone. I think of you when I need strength, inspiration, and guidance when I am torn between choices.
I don't see this habit of mine changing anytime soon either and I have done a 180 when it comes to watching for signs. Anytime something out of the ordinary happens around me I smile and assume it is you with another message. It makes me pay attention, and notice and believe. I have no doubt that you are happily flying around all of us, swooping in to cover us with your fairy dust love when we need it most.
Your hugs in life were the best, your hugs now are almost as good, I've never had so many goosebumps.
I miss your random texts and our facebook chats, but I love knowing you are always right there when I need you. I try not to take much for granted anymore. I attempt to live each day in the present, appreciating all I have and all those I love.
In your honor I will do my best to make my life matter. And I will try to love as BIG as you would have.
RIP Angel Addie, I miss you. See you in Heaven.