When she finally accepted she could not collect her self-esteem by being perfect in the eyes of the world around her...
The quest to find her missing worth had led her on a fast paced journey far far away from herself.
Her solution had always been to find someone outside of herself to give her the accolades she so desired, to find her worthy, valuable, lovable, and to fill up her bucket of self esteem with their praises. She searched for value from everywhere, because she was certain it would be enough to fill the hole within her.
Only after years of trying she came to see it didn't work that way. Finding meaning from outside of herself by doing things "right" was like trying to hit a moving target. She was never quite able to grasp it. What she heard from others was never enough to fill the great void within. She grew weary from the constant trying, and super sensitive to even the slightest of criticisms.
Certain that someone, somewhere would see her value if she just did things a little better, faster, smarter, she kept up the facade. For way too many years. She wanted the world to think she had it all together. But that was a lie, and deep down she knew it, and the weight of that knowledge was eating away at her happiness from the inside.
As she slowly realized she was coming undone, she fought even harder to hang on, as giving up was not an option for someone like her.
So she continued to search outside of herself for the answers, not knowing then that she was wandering even further from the person she had once been.
She stopped believing she was lovable. She stopped believing in herself. She stopped trusting that she had the answers. And that made her weak from the inside out. It gave rise to a voice so mean it drowned out the whispers of her spirit.
She looked for love in all the wrong places.
If only she had known there was one only place to start. Her own heart.
She needed to begin to love herself, embrace both the dark and the light parts of her, to begin healing.
It took the hard fall to the bottom of the well of self-loathing, and a large letting go/cracking open, to let the light of worth back in.
In the quiet darkness at the bottom of that deep well she was forced to turn inward. There was no one else to seek praise from in that darkness. She had to face herself. She had to look into her own heart. Did she even like herself anymore?
A quiet voice arose from the darkness.
You are worthy. You are loved. Everything is going to be okay.
The soft words of comfort began to warm her soul from the inside.
She understood then that failure was an option. It was how we learned. It was how we grew. It didn't mean the end, it was instead a new beginning.
She let go of the heaviest of baggage she had been carrying with her, the need to be perfect, the need to please, the need to constantly pick up her pace.
It didn't happen overnight, but she slowed things down, she turned inward, and she began to find herself, a few small pieces at a time. This time around she vowed to stop looking outside of herself for the answers, instead to trust her inner knowing for the next right step.
It was there she found her power. It had been right there all along. At the heart of herself.