Once I gave up the notion of happiness as a goal I needed to achieve, it was easier to find it.

I had, until my 50th year, resisted the natural flow of life and tried to chart my own course. I always had a plan. I always knew where I was going. I believed I had control.

Until I got where I was supposed to go and didn’t want to be there.

The years in-between then and now (just over 10 by the calendar), I have spent unlearning all my bad habits. While I still feel more comfortable with a loose plan, my life no longer revolves around making sure everything goes according to it. Things are a lot less structured and those once concrete goals I had, are better defined now as dreams.

Calling them dreams seems less daunting than setting goals, and I don’t feel the pressure to have to get them done. I never want to return to a life with a to do list that stretches a mile long. Since I crave freedom, I’ve taken to the practice of writing down one or two things that have to get done each day. And then I figure the rest will present itself as a top priorities on another day if they really need to get done.

When the voice inside of me tries to compare me to others, or to compare me to a younger version of me, I must gently quiet her. Today, this moment, is the only day I have that is guaranteed so, I need to live it. If I want french fries, a glass of wine, a nap, or to binge watch something on tv, I need to give myself permission. If it makes me happy and harms no one, I deserve it.

I used to stress about my material possessions, not wrecking my good towels, keeping my furniture in great condition, or keeping my nice clothes “nice”. Now I buy most of my clothes at goodwill and consider the scratches on my tables signs that life happened while seated around it. Scratches like scars, show a life well-lived.

I now trust that the Universe, God, has a plan for me and my job is not to know what it is, but to live as my true self and watch it all unfold.

When I feel myself grasping for a sense of control, I breathe deeply and remind myself that my job is simply to be happy. To be aware and open. To love fully without conditions, to trust all will be provided when I need it (including understanding) and to have the courage to be my full self without fear that others will turn away. And to accept that if they do, it is also okay. Not everyone is in my life to stay.

When things inevitably get tough, I pause to look at the situation from all sides, feel my way into my emotions, find the positives and uncover the lessons within the struggle. And then I peer a little deeper into it and ask if this lesson has been brought to my attention before. Am I repeating lessons? Am I being challenged? Have I learned the lesson yet and can I now let it go?

An underlying unease about not getting my fair share in life used to reside within me but has been replaced with the comforting thought there is enough for all. Scarcity is not an issue. The right people will be attracted to me, and I will be attracted to the right people. I will make the right decisions at the right times and do not need to ruminate on what if I had chosen differently.

All is well. All is happening as it should.

I have seen what happens when I cling to the wrong people or try to control situations or attempt to have all the answers. Some things aren’t supposed to be completely understood; just observed, acknowledged, and let go.

I let go my need for control and embrace life in all the little and big moments.

Instead of following a detailed life plan, I now have only one goal and that is to grow into the best human I can be.

I want to spread kindness and empower others to live life as their true selves.

I wish to lead by example, never asking others to do what I have not yet done or tried.

When I leave this life, I want to be proud of the person I was. It used to be that I looked outside myself for the affirmation that I was a good person, but I have since learned the kind of affirmation I really need is from within. Quieting my mean voice has given me so much more open space in my head to learn new things, explore the unknowns, and accept myself.

I appreciate each moment.

Each connection.

My eyes are wide open for the next lesson, not the next step.

Peace-filled New Year Greetings!

It is hard to believe a year has gone by again. I had great plans for 2016, mostly revolving around accomplishment. You know, things I "hoped" to do: write that book, create more podcasts, produce some great inspiring blogposts, organize, simplify, meditate more, etc.

As I reflect on the past year, I realize I didn't accomplish a lot of those things on my mental to do list, but I am proud of how I allowed life to happen, and how I gave myself the permission to enjoy it. I spent oodles of time with my sweet grandbaby, as much time with the rest of my family as we could all carve out, stayed peaceful within-- even if life got a bit busy, stopped worrying about money for the first time in my life, and let some things go that were weighing me down. I also stepped a few steps out of my comfort zone when I found a space and started Soulistic Sisters Studio with two friends. The studio is a refuge for me, especially when I cannot be up north with my trees. In it I feel safe, and like I am coming home. I find it brings out my confidence, my best self and I feel like I belong there. I still hear 'If you build it, they will come' in my heart, and I trust that what is meant to be will happen, as we grow our community one sweet soul at a time.

I haven't written a blogpost in a long while, much longer than I intended in fact, and not because I had nothing to say. I was intent on enjoying each day to the fullest in 2016. And maybe, just maybe I am becoming the person I was always meant to be. I had a major miracle happen in my life about a week ago. Someone I had met only last year, who took a yoga class with me, then became a friend, paid me the biggest compliment of my life. She called me a free spirit. A free spirit. I felt like Rudolph when he finds out Clarice likes him and he flys into the air without effort.

I was once so FAR from a free spirit I could only watch enviously while others were free spirited, as I wished/dreamed/imagined a "me" who wasn't an over achiever, and who lived happily without being scheduled and planned. Truth be told,  I am still doing a happy dance knowing someone currenlty sees me this way. I will hold this sweet thought close to my heart as I continue to recover from my once type A, control freak, people pleasing, critical, judgemental, perfectionistic self.

If I can change, so can you! It also made me realize the POWER of telling someone how you view them. We never see ourselves clearly enough, and having someone affirm my hard work has made all the difference in how I will approach my 2017, I even changed the words I thought I was going to choose as my Three Words to Live By because of it. I encourage you to reach out to someone with a random act of kindness and tell them how you "see" them. Who knows, it could be the little push of courage forward they need to transform into who they always wished to be.

My New Year's Wish For You:

Live 2017 with positive intentions. May you not only recognize the power within you to change your life in any way you desire, but also believe that you are worthy and deserving of everything you wish for. Begin healing yourself from the inside and watch your beautiful light grow brighter. Always believe in the Power of YOU. Shine on friend.

My words to live by for 2017 have finally chosen me.

Illuminate

Trust

Thrive

Happy New Year from my happy heart to yours.

P.S. Have you chosen yours yet? I can help with this.. :)

Author's note: This is a post I originally wrote nearly three and a half years ago. It was never published because I ran it by a friend before I clicked 'publish' on my blog, and her opinion stopped me from sharing it. She didn't say anything wrong or anything bad, but her lack of liking it made me doubt myself. And that was enough to stop me from sharing it. Back then I was accustomed to letting doubt creep in at the slightest turn. It was my way of staying safe--of attempting to stay ahead of any possible criticism. Having learned the futility and ultimate failure of this way of thinking, I have since successfully silenced my mean inner critic.

Working with so many highly sensitive people this last year has made me realize that I am not the only one clinging to the false belief that if I do everything perfectly I can remain 'beyond reproach'.  That is straight up crap --and is both exhausting and futile.

Silencing the monster within me took courage and patience. In hopes that a little inspiration may help someone else silence theirs, I am sharing this as it was originally written, without changing tenses or words. Freely. And without expectation. Or inner judgment.

I know it will reach the person who needs it most.

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Don’t get caught up in the chase, enjoy what is right in front of you.

How many times have you set a goal for yourself, and then gone after it with gusto. A new diet to shed 15 pounds, a new workout routine to whip your body into shape, a strict budget to save money for something you want to purchase? Whatever the goal you’ve set, it can be energizing and satisfying to have a purpose (and an end) to work towards.

Goals are trackable, achievable and recognizable, both to you, and to others around you. Call me weird but as a kid I always loved getting a report card. It showed me that I was on track. Or that I wasn’t, in some cases. It told me what I needed to work harder on, where my strengths were, and where they weren’t. It was a great way to stay focused and to discern where I stood in the scheme of life.

But what happens to that feeling of being on track when we become adults? Where is our report card? Who tells us if we are on track, or points out our strengths, tells us what we need to work on and gives us recognition for our accomplishments?

No one. We have to do it ourselves. We self evaluate, self analyze, and grade our own performance as mothers, wives, worker bees, friends. And most of us are pretty darn hard on ourselves. How often are we truly satisfied with our accomplishments?

I know I'm not. I always think about what I could have done better, choosing to focus on the areas that need improvement rather than stopping to celebrate what I have actually accomplished. It’s kind of exhausting. Take being a mother, for example. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Even when I'm right, I feel wrong. And I think about all the things I could have done better to handle a situation. Letting your children make their own mistakes is almost impossible to handle gracefully.

So, how can we stop the madness of focusing on our weaknesses and not our strengths?

How about we all try to appreciate ourselves, and our accomplishments a little more...

Really think about that. The next time we start to knock ourselves for not accomplishing something on our "To Do" list, how about we pause and pat ourselves on the back for what we did do instead.  Cleaned the house, filled the cupboards with groceries, helped the kids with their homework, did the laundry, cooked dinner, picked up the new glasses at the eye doctor, returned the videos and library books on time, sent a birthday card to our mother-in-law, well.... you get the idea, right?

Remember your own awesomeness. Celebrate all the little achievements and give yourself some time to smell the roses along the way, instead of hurtling off headlong toward your next big goal. I know I'm willing to give it a go. How about you?