Embracing Her Magic by Terri Spaulding

At rock bottom she cracked wide open.

She emerged all wide eyed and unsure, but this time with fresh eyes.

Now a mature woman, she was ready to stop pretending to be someone she was not.

Her first steps were wobbly and tentative until she regained her inner balance.

Never before feeling comfortable as a leader, she had always been afraid to explore roads less traveled.

Weary now of blindly following the pack, she knew she was ready to set off in her own direction.

Before, she had always been afraid of making wrong turns, but they happened anyway.

This time she followed her instincts.

She felt her way to the next step.

While it was so much slower going than it used to be, it was much more satisfying.

The voice in her head quieted as she inched her way forward, appreciating the beauty she had never before noticed.

No longer critical and judgmental, the voice began to offer her praise and support.

She was empowered with confidence as she began to understand her way was the right way, and better yet, believed herself worthy of all she had ever dreamed of.

Her dream was simple.

To live with ease and joy.

To love and be loved.

To appreciate and be appreciated.

She wished to shine her brightest light without fear or regret.

She wished for understanding without criticism or judgment.

She wished for courage to live her truth and for her journey to inspire others to crack wide open and do the same.

As everything began to click into place,

the person she had always been born to be, emerged from her self-imposed shell, and revealed herself to the world.

It was magical. She was magical.

And her life of ease: filled with freedom, abundance and inner peace finally began. ♥

The Long Way Home

I stepped into my footprint

gently gathering up the

parts of me I had lost.

The times I cried,

The times I lied,

The times I tried.

Re-collecting the chunks of of

power I had lost to mean looks,

cruel words, expectations, and

teasing that shamed me to my

roots.

The first few steps were like

stepping through mud.

Each movement requiring great

effort, until I began to remember

what it felt like to be me.

When I didn’t care what others

thought.

When I didn’t feel the need to be

different. When life wasn’t so much

effort, or so darn hard to enjoy.

And my steps got lighter as I

gathered back the best parts of me,

collecting my magic.

One smile, one breath, one dance,

one laugh at a time.

Until the parts were all back

together. The good and the bad.

Glued together with gold and God.

Shedding tears of wonder and awe

as I slowly became whole again.

Emerging better than before,

my cracks filled with glue from

the Creator, made up of the

goodness that lives inside

each of us, in spite of our darkness.

My final footprint was flawed yet

perfectly representing me.

There is no longer fear in being my

full self. For I have learned I am

not too much.

I am enough.

Power restored.

Let life unfold.

Let love bloom.

I am home.

When she finally accepted she could not collect her self-esteem by being perfect in the eyes of the world around her...

she fell.

Hard.

The quest to find her missing worth had led her on a fast paced journey far far away from herself.

Her solution had always been to find someone outside of herself to give her the accolades she so desired, to find her worthy, valuable, lovable, and to fill up her bucket of self esteem with their praises. She searched for value from everywhere, because she was certain it would be enough to fill the hole within her.

Only after years of trying she came to see it didn't work that way. Finding meaning from outside of herself by doing things "right" was like trying to hit a moving target. She was never quite able to grasp it. What she heard from others was never enough to fill the great void within. She grew weary from the constant trying, and super sensitive to even the slightest of criticisms.

Certain that someone, somewhere would see her value if she just did things a little better, faster, smarter, she kept up the facade. For way too many years. She wanted the world to think she had it all together. But that was a lie, and deep down she knew it, and the weight of that knowledge was eating away at her happiness from the inside.

As she slowly realized she was coming undone, she fought even harder to hang on, as giving up was not an option for someone like her.

So she continued to search outside of herself for the answers, not knowing then that she was wandering even further from the person she had once been.

She stopped believing she was lovable. She stopped believing in herself. She stopped trusting that she had the answers. And that made her weak from the inside out. It gave rise to a voice so mean it drowned out the whispers of her spirit.

She looked for love in all the wrong places.

If only she had known there was one only place to start. Her own heart.

She needed to begin to love herself, embrace both the dark and the light parts of her, to begin healing.

It took the hard fall to the bottom of the well of self-loathing, and a large letting go/cracking open, to let the light of worth back in.

In the quiet darkness at the bottom of that deep well she was forced to turn inward. There was no one else to seek praise from in that darkness. She had to face herself. She had to look into her own heart. Did she even like herself anymore?

A quiet voice arose from the darkness.

You are worthy. You are loved. Everything is going to be okay.

The soft words of comfort began to warm her soul from the inside.

She understood then that failure was an option. It was how we learned. It was how we grew. It didn't mean the end, it was instead a new beginning.

She let go of the heaviest of baggage she had been carrying with her, the need to be perfect, the need to please, the need to constantly pick up her pace.

It didn't happen overnight, but she slowed things down, she turned inward, and she began to find herself, a few small pieces at a time. This time around she vowed to stop looking outside of herself for the answers, instead to trust her inner knowing for the next right step.

It was there she found her power. It had been right there all along. At the heart of herself.

A manifesto, a poem, an inspiration, who knows? Sharing the words that came to me while walking with the trees.

Her Transformation to Truth

She emerged from hibernation less like a bear and more like a butterfly.

Transformed, she now sparkled with color.

Opening her wings to fly,

Maybe for the first time ever,

She was truly free of all that weighed her down.

She considered the time spent within well worth it.

For the world in front of her was somehow different.

Although things were in the same places, she didn’t view them the same. There was more color, more texture and so many things she had never truly noticed before. Her post-hibernation world was ablaze with wonder.

She saw raw beauty in all places. Found joy in each moment. Let hope fill her every in-breath.  And as she acknowledged this, trust began to grow again in her heart.

She would no longer live a life of pretend to make others feel better. It had never suited her.

And keeping up the pretend only confused her more.

From this moment on she knew she would remain at truth. Always. And if the truth did not please others, she’d speak it boldly anyway, or she would stand strong and silent if she thought it best, as long as doing so did not compromise her soul.

She understood that truth would remain her constant and trusted companion—would serve as her guiding light, and the familiar voices of doubt and indecision would find nothing to argue with if she did.

As she embraced her new world, she wisely realized that truth was the solid ground on which she would begin to grow into the best version of herself.

---Terri Spaulding