We all have been blind sighted by someone we trusted. This post was saved in my blog’s drafts from years ago and although I do not remember the specifics of who it was about, I can take a guess. It doesn’t matter anyway because what I learned from this situation is the important part to share. Here is my original draft:

Being told I am the reason for someone else's funk is not something I am used to hearing. I am usually the one who helps people out of that kind of mess. To be told that you are the cause of someone else's dissatisfaction with their life is very difficult to hear. It jolted me from my normal peaceful balance into my overthinking/defensive mode. My husband would suggest I immediately let it go, as he has no problem shutting himself off from what he perceives to be someone else’s deal. Yet me being a highly sensitive person with a perfectionistic streak, wants to think it through to make certain it was not my fault. Okay correction, who am I kidding, I’d really like to prove I did nothing wrong and that I was beyond reproach. However, as is often the case upon reflection, I see where I could have done better, where my actions could have contributed to the problem, and as a result, I have a hard time letting it go.

After you realize you have done wrong, admitting it, apologizing and doing what you can to rectify the situation immediately is what comes next. I did that. I owned up, even though that is so hard for me. I apologized immediately. I offered up suggestions to improve the situation and I followed through on those involving me.

I was willing to be vulnerable and admit I made a mistake.

That said, I am NOT going to walk around with my tail between my legs waiting for a crumb, a small sign that I am forgiven. Heck I didn't even know that there was an issue brewing under the surface, and next time please let me in on my mistake sooner. Before I am the sole cause of all your angst.

For far too long I lived with constant stress in my body, always afraid I would let someone down if I didn’t do everything right, if I wasn’t “perfect”. It nearly ruined me. Now I operate on the principal of doing my best in every moment, knowing it is human and natural to mess up. I vowed never to live bound by the expectations of trying to make others happy. So after carrying the crap of this situation around with me for nearly a week, I am finally letting it go. As I would instruct anyone else to have done immediately.

This is actually your issue. Your problem. Your situation to fix. I am cutting my ties to it, and letting it go.

I took a walk and asked for help to release this from my field. Putting up a mirror immediately popped into my head and proved to be a quick and effective fix as I felt lighter right away. It gave me room for clarity. I realized it is not my responsibility to make you happy. And you cannot project your unhappiness onto me and make it my fault. Well you can, but only if I willingly let you. And, I do not.

So I am sending you love and putting up my mirror so that what you are negatively sending my way reflects right back to you. I am surprised it took me this many days to see that this is what was needed. I trust you will figure it out on your own time, in the meantime I am staying in balance —taking on only what is mine to claim.

I will let this go and take back my power by sending you love.

Do You Frequently Feel Like A Dumping Ground?

Ever cringe when the phone rings and the caller id shows the name of a friend who is prone to talking longer than you care to talk? Or when a coworker traps you in the lunchroom and unloads a list of complaints against another coworker, or a boss? Even a quick lunch with a friend can sometimes lead to the exchange of too much information.

One way to determine if you have experienced a dump is if you feel drained, agitated or stressed after the conversation. Maybe the things shared were too personal, making you feel uncomfortable, or they are negative about someone you know, or maybe you are just sick of hearing the same old, same old over and over again with no change in sight.

If you are wondering what you can you do to make sure you don't continue to be a dumping ground, start by setting some personal boundaries.

A boundary is defined as something that indicates limits.

While you might be willing to listen to a friend talk about their bad day at work, you may not be willing to hear them bash their spouse or partner. Only you can know what your personal limits are, and it is up to you to effectively communicate these boundaries. Chances are your friend doesn’t realize they are making you uncomfortable, especially if they have shared this kind of information with you in the past, and nothing was ever said.

While it may feel a bit uncomfortable to tell them how you are feeling, in the long run everyone will feel better about the situation if you tell the truth. It can’t really be beneficial to your friend to have you answer the call with an attitude, and a predisposition to listen with only one ear, or to rush her off the phone.  And you will not feel good about the friendship if you feel drained after every interaction or conversation with her.

It is up to you to set your personal limits.

Try these simple techniques next time you find yourself in the awkward position of being on the receiving end of a friend or coworker dump.

Redirect. Divert. Change the subject. Whatever you decide to call it, you are taking control of the situation and moving it to safer ground. Find something that you can handle talking to your friend about and settle in to listen.

Limit the time you have. From the very beginning of the call (or meet up) set your time boundary. "I only have 5 minutes before I am leaving the house" in the case of an unexpected phone call, or "I have about 10 minutes before I need to get ready for my next appointment" to the coworker stopping you in the lunchroom. When on a lunch date with a long-winded friend gently remind them before you have to rush off that it is indeed a lunch "hour" and you really need to get back to work on time.

Choose a time that you ARE willing to listen. No one likes to be interrupted when they are under a deadline or in the middle of something, so if you know your friend needs to let off some steam, choose a time that works for you. Set aside some time on the weekend, or a weeknight and be specific on the start and end times you are available. Give your friend your undivided attention within the timeframe of your choosing.

Speak up. When all other efforts have failed and you cannot endure another conversation, say something. You will feel better about being honest, and your friend or coworker will eventually feel better knowing how you feel. They deserve to be heard, and someone else on their friend list may be more willing to listen.

Don’t feel guilty. Think about it, would you want a friend to keep quiet if they felt you were repeatedly dumping on them? You’d want them to tell the truth, nicely of course. So treat them as you would wish to be treated by them.

Keep this simple adage in mind: one of the best ways to help other people feel happier is to be happy yourself. Setting your boundaries might be just the ticket to happiness all around.

Question of the Week # 38 / Have You Set Your Personal Boundaries?