We all have been blind sighted by someone we trusted. This post was saved in my blog’s drafts from years ago and although I do not remember the specifics of who it was about, I can take a guess. It doesn’t matter anyway because what I learned from this situation is the important part to share. Here is my original draft:

Being told I am the reason for someone else's funk is not something I am used to hearing. I am usually the one who helps people out of that kind of mess. To be told that you are the cause of someone else's dissatisfaction with their life is very difficult to hear. It jolted me from my normal peaceful balance into my overthinking/defensive mode. My husband would suggest I immediately let it go, as he has no problem shutting himself off from what he perceives to be someone else’s deal. Yet me being a highly sensitive person with a perfectionistic streak, wants to think it through to make certain it was not my fault. Okay correction, who am I kidding, I’d really like to prove I did nothing wrong and that I was beyond reproach. However, as is often the case upon reflection, I see where I could have done better, where my actions could have contributed to the problem, and as a result, I have a hard time letting it go.

After you realize you have done wrong, admitting it, apologizing and doing what you can to rectify the situation immediately is what comes next. I did that. I owned up, even though that is so hard for me. I apologized immediately. I offered up suggestions to improve the situation and I followed through on those involving me.

I was willing to be vulnerable and admit I made a mistake.

That said, I am NOT going to walk around with my tail between my legs waiting for a crumb, a small sign that I am forgiven. Heck I didn't even know that there was an issue brewing under the surface, and next time please let me in on my mistake sooner. Before I am the sole cause of all your angst.

For far too long I lived with constant stress in my body, always afraid I would let someone down if I didn’t do everything right, if I wasn’t “perfect”. It nearly ruined me. Now I operate on the principal of doing my best in every moment, knowing it is human and natural to mess up. I vowed never to live bound by the expectations of trying to make others happy. So after carrying the crap of this situation around with me for nearly a week, I am finally letting it go. As I would instruct anyone else to have done immediately.

This is actually your issue. Your problem. Your situation to fix. I am cutting my ties to it, and letting it go.

I took a walk and asked for help to release this from my field. Putting up a mirror immediately popped into my head and proved to be a quick and effective fix as I felt lighter right away. It gave me room for clarity. I realized it is not my responsibility to make you happy. And you cannot project your unhappiness onto me and make it my fault. Well you can, but only if I willingly let you. And, I do not.

So I am sending you love and putting up my mirror so that what you are negatively sending my way reflects right back to you. I am surprised it took me this many days to see that this is what was needed. I trust you will figure it out on your own time, in the meantime I am staying in balance —taking on only what is mine to claim.

I will let this go and take back my power by sending you love.

Solar Plexus Rising | Chakra Painting with AI Inks | by Terri Spaulding

This is not just another painting of the sun.

This is what I “see” when I do reiki.

This is a solar plexus chakra (represented by the color yellow) showing me she is desperately wanting to shine. She is less than bright, after years of holding in fear, worry, anxiety, and the incredibly false belief she is not worthy of all that she desires. But that bright yellow center shows me she is working her way up and out of the mud she’s been stuck under.

As she fights to reclaim her happiness, and shakes off the junk she’s held in her gut for years, she is getting help from other energy centers in her body. Her throat chakra (represented by the light blue dots) where her true voice and her true self awaits, is aware that yellow is not standing in her power or in her truth, and needs assistance. The energy of the throat wants to help rekindle yellow’s flame, but cannot break through the barrier of mud , nor through the wall of lies yellow tells herself.

Also attempting to come to yellow’s rescue is the third eye chakra (represented by the dark blue dots and blobs). This chakra of inner wisdom is tired of being ignored and suppressed, and wants to get in to help yellow, too. But her attempt is blocked as well. Only when the solar plexus chakra is fully functioning, fueled with willpower and self esteem, can the third eye join forces and allow authenticity and gut instinct to lead the way.

And then there is the chakra of the heart, who is isolated in the middle. Since there is no balance, no flow of energy or cooperation from the energy centers, she is helpless to heal with her love. She grows tired of sending in love (represented by the green), with little to no acceptance, and begins to lose faith that she can make a difference.

This story of color in the painting above tells me the person within whom these chakra centers dwell is tired, overwhelmed and needs some mind, body + spirit restoration. At times, we all need help from the outside to guide us forward on our healing journey. If you are feeling off, or stuck, or unsure of how to begin your self-healing, schedule a reiki session with someone you trust. Even one session is enough to clear out some of your mud, restore balance to your energy centers, and set the foundation for continued self-healing.

I firmly believe in reiki’s healing power, as it once was the jump start I needed to reclaim my joy.

There comes a moment (or three) in the adventure of life we call parenting that sends you to your knees in prayer, that rocks you to your core and makes you question what you thought you knew. I know this, as it has happened to me. And it has also happened to friends and family around me.

The perfect kid is never perfect, nor should they even be set up to be so. It seems likely in our busy, noisy, overwhelming world, our children and grand children will face some kind of negative situation much earlier in their life than we did. Hitting rock bottom and experiencing a dark night of the soul is becoming more a part of growing up than I ever thought it would be. Many of us adults have hit our own rock bottoms, but usually later in life, and to me it feels like today's children are falling sooner. Our youths have so much more information available to them, too much sometimes, to be able to make a clear headed decision about their future.

As a parent, instead of fearing this rock bottom, and doing everything in our power to divert our children from facing it, perhaps we should instead expect it will someday happen and prepare ourselves. We will need to respond with love, not react in fear, when the day comes. Without a clear grasp on who we are authentically, it will be difficult to remain calm, grounded, and settled when it is needed most. Our children are unique and separate souls, not extensions of ourselves. They need to make their own choices (good or bad). We cannot direct their life, keep them safe from everything they face, or smooth the road before them. We have to remember they are their own person and are on their own journey. No one can learn a lesson for someone else.

The world today is wide open with possibilities, and so it seems are our children. We cannot expect them to do as we did, or to follow along as we learned to do. I have made many mistakes as a parent. My crippling expectations of myself, my own mean voice, hurt my children as well. How could I expect them to be the best versions of themselves if I wasn’t embracing my true self? If we are to support our children in the way they need, with unconditional love, we must love and accept ourselves first. That means we need to find time to work on ourselves, to heal our own wounds, to embrace our imperfect selves, to forgive our mistakes, and to be comfortable in our own skin, no matter how busy and distracting life is. For many years I was caught up in everything outside of me and I let my connection to my true self go. If your sensitive and intelligent kids are anything like mine, they will know when you aren’t being authentic and “walking your talk”, and that will muddy the waters between you even more.

As our children grow up our job as parents becomes less about keeping them safe and more about helping them find their true and unique selves. The world is ever changing and our belief systems, or what we have been taught by generations before us, will likely not resonate with this younger generation. We cannot expect them to do as we did, or to make the same decisions we did. How different would my decisions and my life be if I had had access to the different perspectives and loads of information that is now available at our kids’ fingertips? The course of my life was directed by what was expected of me, not by who I was or what I believed in. Our world isn’t like that anymore and we need to accept that. What helped my family heal was for me to become comfortable in my own skin, to be authentic to who I was at my core, and to start leading by example and walking my talk.

I am not proud of some of my own parenting decisions, but I have mostly forgiven myself for those mistakes. I am very grateful I had the courage to lead myself out of the mess I had become, to show my children that it is not only okay to fail, it is inevitable, and how we respond after that fall is what matters. Learning from our mistakes is part of the journey.

If your grip is too tight, if your days and nights are filled with worry, if your expectations are never met, you might be showing your little ones too much of the dark side of you. There is still time to transform into the authentic you, to live in your true light, and to be a beacon of hope for them in the darkest times. I believe if you find your true self and reconnect with your own home base, you will lead by example and become the safe haven your kids need most.  

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
LAO-TZU”

I am not sure I will ever completely shake my desire to fit in, make a good impression, be liked, or be acknowledged for my strengths. My people pleasing need runs deep, but I am making progress.

It has taken years to be able to be able to say no and not "worry" whether the person I just let down will be mad. In truth, if they are mad at me for setting and sticking to my boundaries, I’ve decided they really aren't friend material. Once I told someone "no" who was asking for my help (again) and as I attempted to justify my reasoning, they abruptly stopped me and said, you don't have to explain. But they didn't say it in a nice way, like "Oh, your reasons for saying no to my request are your reasons, I respect your decision." It was more like, "Oh, you are saying no to me, then we're done."

I seriously have not had any interaction with this person since I said no, which tells me I was being used. This has happened to me more than once. I realized that until I took the reins back, the power was going to remain outside of myself and in the hands of someone else.

If we stand true to who we are, it is impossible to be everything to everyone. We aren’t supposed to be liked by all. If we try to be, we end up losing ourselves. I know this, it happened to me. I got in so deep I tried to make a good impression on people who were never, ever going to see me for who I was, for what I brought to the table. I did not fit in their mold. I did not agree with them. I did not see it their way. And no amount of accomplishing was going to change anything. Does that sound exhausting? It was.

I know I have weaknesses. I hate math, I could care less about money—except to survive, and I am not good with remembering numbers or dates, like in history. I am not very patient, and I roll my eyes when I feel time is a wasting. Playing along with someone’s ego game, or following rules imposed by those who need to feel powerful (especially if the rules have no practical base or don’t represent a truthful perspective) makes me nutty in an anxious, impatient way. I dislike veiled criticisms, manipulation, or passive-aggressive behavior. And since I am human, I really don’t like hearing personal criticism, but I am continually working on that.

I live in, and respect, honesty, truth and fairness.

It has taken me a long time to realize that despite my weaknesses, I also have many strengths, and I make it a point to choose the people, activities, job opportunities, hobbies which utilize those unique strengths. I don’t try to shore up my weaknesses anymore, I let someone with the skill set I am lacking do that part for me. I concentrate on doing what I do easily, naturally, so I can shine. To let life flow with my strengths is so much less of an uphill struggle. Taking charge of my well-being means I needed to set some boundaries and let go of my deep need to be liked. It wasn’t easy to sift through years and layers of toxicity I created within myself, but it has totally been worth the effort. I am happier and more me right NOW, than I ever remember being.

At the end of the day, I continue to put forth my best efforts to walk my talk, live (and learn) by example, do the right thing, spread love, kindness and acceptance daily, and appreciate those who love and accept me for who I am, faults and all. I focus on shining my brightest light, and living life as the best version of me.

If you are still stuck in the need to please merry-go-round, stop, breathe, and give yourself permission to take back your power and make necessary changes. Yes, this will shake up your life, but isn’t that exactly what you need to bring in positive new energy? Allow yourself to start something new, or stop doing something you’ve discovered isn’t right for you, to let go of people and or things that no longer serve your highest good, to say NO, or to say YES, and to do what feels right from the inside out, despite what others may tell you to do. Take a step in the direction of your best life and watch the magic unfold.

Dearest Granddaughter:

Be fierce not fearful.

Be loyal to those who’ve earned your loyalty.

Laugh with abandon and love with your whole heart.

Dare to be different, it will give you strength in the years to come.

Make a plan but always be willing to veer off the path to check out a new view.

Stay in your truth and you will never have to live surrounded by shame or guilt.

Respect the opinions of others even if you do not see eye to eye.

Their view matters as much as yours.

No one is ever truly alone, even if it feels like you are.

Ask for help when you feel stuck, lost or broken.

The lowest places will lead to your greatest healing. And growth.

You will survive after coming undone.

On the grayest of days, make your own sunshine.

On the loneliest of days, be your own best friend.

On happy days, share that joy with others.

On sad days let the tears fall softly without regret.

Always shine your brightest, purest light with confidence.

Stay curious little one, and never let anyone tell you to stop asking so many questions.

It is how you will learn the best stuff.

And when you need good advice, always search out the trees.

The trees will never let you down.

Never be less of you to be more accepted, if you feel you need to do so, you are clearly in the wrong place.

I did this. For years. I tried to be accepted.  I thought if I was careful, and watched what I did or said, I would be more accepted. More liked. More respected. More loved even. In retrospect it actually did the opposite for me.

I tried to change the "me" I was meant to be and by doing so left the door wide open for my ego to have a heyday finding fault. Truth is a big deal. And giving my power to outside sources, left my inner self feeling downright bad.  

By trying to be less of myself I fed my ego ideas and allowed my mean inner voice to question and find fault with me all too often. That in turn spilled out from me into the world in the form of judgment and criticism. I call it the black and white world I was living in. In that world there is no room for compassion, even (or especially) for yourself.

With perfection as your expectation, nothing is ever good enough. You shift your natural positive focus to looking for what isn't right instead of appreciating all that is. You get critical and your life gets negative, real fast.

No one's life, no one's job, no one's marriage, no one's body, no one's situation is ever truly perfect. To think otherwise is just another way we believe the lies we tell ourselves and it is surely the path to ultimate unhappiness. To expect perfection in yourself, and/or the world around you only to know deep down it cannot happen only provides more fuel to support the false belief of perfection. You set yourself up to be disappointed. Deep down we all know that nothing is perfect, especially ourselves, and how good it looks from the outside has no bearing on what it truly is like on the inside.

Negativity is a hard habit to break free of if you are unwilling to do the scary work of tuning inward to see what needs to be changed from the inside out. The level of "safe"  you feel in your current situation is less scary than breaking free into the unknown, so people stay stuck.

Many are unable to let go of the control they cling to thinking it is what saves them, what keeps them sane-- instead of seeing control is the exact thing that weighs them down. Being willing to question that which you have been taught is a sign of taking the first steps toward tuning in. Letting go of the lies that no longer serve you leaves room for you to begin to see things as they really are.

I remember nearly every time in my life someone said I was "too" something. Too intense, too overwhelming, too curious, too sensitive, I even heard that I had too much energy---what I realize now is that their statement was about them. They couldn't handle all of me. And so instead of trying to change me to fit in, I should have just moved on to find someone else who could. Lesson learned.

And as I learn more and more about what being an hsp (or a highly aware person) really means, I realize that I allowed these comments, along with my own critical inner voice, to pull me further away from my true self. I carried an inner burden covered up with self confidence about not being good enough-- I tried to tone myself down thinking that would allow me to fit in.

It only further served to isolate my inner higher self from my everyday self. And despite being surrounded by a great life, it became really hard to appreciate it. Simply because I no longer appreciated myself. I gave up my personal power. I lost faith in me. It is very easy to do. As a mother, I tried to snuff out every bit of individuality my sons had, so they too would "fit in". To avoid the pain I felt at not, I took on the role of smoothing the road for them. I see now how wrong it was to interfere with their journey instead of working on myself and leading by example.

Most highly aware people share a common trait, we dislike being surface. We think time spent on small talk is wasted time. We often wear our feelings on our face and stink at pretending. And in the long run, if we don't feel we are being truthful or fully ourselves, it ends up creating a war within.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are not able to fully be yourself, you may need to change things up. Love relationships, jobs, friendships, volunteer opportunities won't last if you are holding yourself back to fit in. A good friend describes this as "dumbing" yourself down to make the others around you feel safer. It isn't healthy and it isn't necessary.

Even if you really love someone, it may be in everyone's best interest to let it go. There is a chance that you have outgrown them and to continue to stay in the relationship if they aren't willing to grow with you, will inevitably lead you to an unhappy, unhealthy place.

Change is inevitable. Growth is the goal.

If you cannot freely change and grow, you are only going through the motions of life and missing out on all that there is to experience.

If you feel stuck, take a good look around you. Does someone or something want you to stay there?

Remember to follow the path that feels right to you, not the path others wish you to take.

We want your days to be filled with awe and a deep sense of contentment in what you are doing. We want your “work” and life’s mission to be effortless and exciting, and gratifying at the same time. When you are on the right path things will feel easy and everything will fall into place, even if it isn’t the way you envisioned it to happen.

Effortless doesn’t mean it can’t challenge you, it simply means you need to work from your strengths and do what you do easily. Do not rush into things simply because opportunities present themselves to you, feel your way through it. If it begins to feel like you are swimming upstream, or applying too much effort to make something happen, it is a sign. Yet also remember if new opportunities present themselves before you “think” you are fully ready, be willing to accept the challenge as we (the universe) have a way of knowing what is best.

Support is always around you, and will guide you without taking away your freedom of choice. So, choose wisely and with all your senses open and aware.

Let go the need to know the path before you begin walking it, and trust you will find your true way. Not everything in your life has to be mapped out and pre-determined for it to be successful.

Your natural ability and your all knowing intuition, combined with life’s learned wisdom and your unique vision, will lead you where you are supposed to go.

Take the adventure and have fun knowing the best possible outcome is you will thrive.

I am sharing in case someone else needs to hear this.

When do you feel most alive?

It seems crazy to me that we have to think so hard about what makes us vibrate with positive energy, and yet until I took the time to focus inward and become aware, I didn’t have an answer to this.

I know from experience it is possible not to know. In my case I was always looking ahead and had lost my ability to connect to the present moment, and with it, my ability to discern when my mind, body + spirit needed rejuvenating.

Along the way my answer to the question has changed as I have grown. I used to think that helping others energized me, and it still does get me fired up at times, but I also recognize it can drain me if the person I am helping isn't ready to make real changes. If someone isn't ready, no amount of “helping” in the world can create forward motion. And when a person relies on a outside situation like helping someone else move forward to energize them, they are giving away their power to that outward focus. That is what I was doing. And it meant I was on a roller coaster. The kind of alive I am asking about in my original question needs to come from inside you, not conditional to a person or a situation outside of you.

So, when do I feel optimum, whole, balanced, and buzzing with intention?

I feel most alive when I have spent time in nature. Walking or sitting in the forest is my favorite, with my beloved trees.

How did I forget how important time outside was for me? I knew this as a kid. I spent endless hours of alone time in the woods daydreaming in the shade, searching for rocks in the tree-lined river, netting turtles out of the tree rimmed pond, walking the tree filled paths around our family cabin, or cross country skiing through the snow covered woods. I let my grown up life and responsibilities push aside my need for connection with the earth.

Yet a few years back even as I began to recognize my need to spend more time outside, I began walking with someone else, or I wore headphones and listened to music. Not exactly the best way for me to be present to the experience of being outside. Headphones silenced the sounds of the "now", giving me way too much time in my little bubble to overthink and talking with someone while walking isn’t very mindful either. 

What I needed was to tune into the sounds of the world around me, not to continue to tune them out. Noticing things like the breeze rustling through the top of the trees, hearing the birds chattering to each other from nearby branches or the scurrying of little feet in the forest, are what bring me back to the present moment. The sun on my face, wind in my hair, and quiet time with the trees grounds me, balances me and rejuvenates me.

I encourage you to find your own personal fountain of youth by tuning into what makes you feel more alive. Maybe next time your energy is low or leaking,  you should try taking a walk in nature and see if my solution works for you? If not, figure out what your own personal recipe to rejuvenation is. Once you uncover what fuels you make it a priority to do more of it!

Ever feel the need to shake your life up and rearrange the pieces?

A few years ago I was lost.

My life wasn't going the way I had always thought it would. I was at the age I once thought of as "old" and I had always assumed that wisdom and contentment came with that big number. Being accomplished, settled and happy came along as well, or so I thought.

 But I wasn't any of those things, except happy in my marriage. My well organized life lacked purpose and deeper meaning and weirdly enough instead of feeling wise with age, I felt like a naive 17 year old.

My confusion permeated everything. My job. My relationship with my kids. How I felt about myself. And wondering what my real life's purpose was weighed heavy on my heart and my mind. At that time my oldest had just left for college and I was reeling with the change it brought to my identity. Who was I if not busy mom anymore?

I started making some small changes to get out of my slump, distancing myself from things I had always done and rethinking ways of being that were ingrained in me. It worked for a while. On the surface I was more alive, but deep down I still wondered why everyone else seemed so happy and questioned why I was not.

I really dislike feeling stuck.

I wished for my life to feel right from the inside instead of always worrying about how it looked from the outside. I made a bold move and tried shaking things up by changing jobs and leaving the one I had held for nearly 24 years. It proved to be all things a highly sensitive person should not do---and halfway through my first year I was both mentally and physically exhausted, and very negative.

What helped me out of my slump the most was to begin writing again. Which after years of NOT writing anything, felt great even if the writing wasn't. It was an outlet to share my truth and I wrote it solely for me. But others read it and let me know that it resonated with them.

So it did give me some clarity, but it also led to more confusion. And when I am confused or unable to grasp something, I ask more questions. Then if I don't understand after the answers, I get frustrated (patience was never my virtue) and then overwhelm sets in and I give up.  That leads to some serious negativity.

My mean voice found the fuel she needed to take over and paralyze me with the fear of doing it wrong.  I became so afraid of doing anything wrong that I just stayed safe and coasted along -- alternately controlling things, and then getting exasperated when they didn't work out the way I envisioned and then giving up. But never growing forward.

Staying safe I now realize, is another name for staying stuck. No forward movement = frozen, stagnant, trapped. My biggest fear.

I didn't yet understand that the power was within me to change my life. One baby step at a time. The only way to get unstuck is to move forward, a step at a time -- don't try to solve everything in one move, just begin making the necessary changes to open up doors.

I read the book entitled Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and it made me see that what I feared most was moving out of my comfort zone and not being able to handle it. The whole book can be summed up like this: What is the worst thing you can imagine, now if that happens, can you handle it? Then, if you can handle that, you can handle anything.

Too easy? Not really. Thinking in that way made me see that it is okay to fail. To try again. To fall flat. The world does not end. Just because I fail does not mean that I am a failure--my mean voice had me so tricked into thinking it meant exactly that!

Stop looking outside yourself to make the changes you need to make from within. Stop giving away your power to others: bosses, friends, situations, history, or the mean voice in your head.

Take a step forward. Shake it up. Create a kerfluffle*.

You may find that is exactly what your spirit needs to find the sunny side of the street.

*Kerfluffle—Verb: To rile up, confuse, or anger a cat (especially kittens) into fluffing up.  (Urban Dictionary)

I was lucky enough to be able to meditate in the woods today, and in my favorite magical spot despite the intermittent precipitation that fell from the sky in great wet globs. (I thought it was rain, but it looked like hail and felt like s-n-o-w). The protection of a large poncho kept me warm and dry as I hunkered down on a fallen log and tuned in. When I drew my oracle card this morning it told me who to call into my meditation to give me some direction, and they did not disappoint. This is what I heard:

People will have you follow rules they themselves have made, or been taught, because they are afraid to trust their own way. Do not fear following your inner guidance; it will never lead you astray. Ego, fear, greed, hate, or a need for power will lead you down the wrong paths. Believe in your goodness from within and listen to your higher self. Do not be afraid to do it your own way.

I have been struggling with what comes next for a while now. Loving the life I have created, cherishing the peace in my life— I still yearn for the elusive “more”. I came across this post I had written over four years ago now and it fit well with my message this morning, and just in case someone else needs to hear it, I am sharing.

Words from 2014……

Finding my faith again, my spirit.

That part feels so much better. I have connected with God again -- in my own way. And this time, it is good enough. No one will be able to tell me it isn't enough, or it isn't real. Because on that point I am fearless in my belief that what I believe, how I talk to God, how I pray, what I believe to be truth --is perfect. For me.

I don't look like you and I am not you, I am only me. And that means it is okay to find my unique path. My direct line to the creator, the universe, the Great Spirit is perfect just the way it is. I don't need you to okay it. To even believe it. Please don't judge me and make me feel bad for what I believe. We are all on our own unique journey to make sense of what we are taught and what we really believe.

I have stood firm in my beliefs (even as I continue to figure them out) to those who judge my version of faith simply because it is different than theirs. And they have walked away.

Nearly all of my life this kind of abandonment would have left me feeling like I had done something wrong, that I wasn’t good enough. Now I see that letting the wrong people into my sacred space might have been a miscalculation on my part--but it has also taught me a valuable lesson.

Some people are not ready to stand in their truth. Some are actually more fearful than I am. We are all at different points on our journeys to faith, no one is farther than anyone else ---just in different places. Some people will leap ahead only to have to stop and backtrack, some will plod slowly forward making progress, and some will stay in their endless loop, repeating lessons -- staying safe.

I will find my own path and I will be fearless in my faith.

I had a really good week.

I made it through a full schedule of classes without my body falling apart, I am getting into a GROOVE with my students at GVSU and I launched my new website. All three are reasons to celebrate, yet the thing I am most proud of is that I am doing them all MY WAY.

As part of the clearing out process that comes with a website/blog switch, some old posts left in my drafts are popping up. I know my last post was also about staying in the wrong place too long and what it does to a person, and normally I would not share two of the same in a row, but I feel compelled to share the message that making change is up to you.

NOTHING, no job, no person, no life situation should ever be allowed to make you feel less than. To make you feel like you constantly have to prove yourself, to make you question your worth, to suck the joy out of you. Life is not meant to be so hard.

Over 5 years ago I found the courage to let go of what was no longer serving me as I set off to follow my heart. It was a scary fantastic thing to do. The result is I now end my days with a smile, a sense of worth/belonging, and knowledge that I make a difference. The dirty feet, messy hair and sweaty clothes I come home with are an in-the-present daily reminder of this. What a difference operating from your sweet spot makes in a person's level of joy. Below is the post from my drafts, I hope my words resonate with the right person today and encourage change.

You are enough. You are worthy and deserving of joy. You have a place in this world that is meant just for you. Find it.

---

Courage does not mean that you possess the strength to carry on. Courage means that you will carry on when you feel that you no longer have the strength.

This is one of the first statuses I saw when I opened up Facebook this morning. Maybe it was an answer to last night's prayers asking for the strength to get through the funk I am in. Maybe it was just what I needed to realize that I need to find the courage to plow through my current problems and face my fears. After struggling through another sleepless night, and waking up to the same sad, scared, tears-really-close-to-the-surface-feeling I have experienced for the last couple of weeks, I am ready for a change. I do not want to feel like this anymore. It sucks.

I believe in being honest. So I will tell you that my blog has been quiet because I haven't been myself. I don't know what people who suffer from depression feel like, so I won't say that is how I have been feeling, but I think it might be appropriate. I will say I am stressed, beyond stress I have ever felt before. Emotional is maybe not a strong enough word.

It stems from me feeling like a failure. At work. I was hoping by now that I would have achieved a different result, I've certainly tried hard enough. But a year after I began my quest to find my place within a changing industry and a stagnant company, nothing has changed. Honestly it has gotten even worse, for me. Because now that I have tried so hard, and beat myself up every step of the way trying to make sure I was doing the right things, and they haven't worked, I now I feel that I have indeed failed. Not a feeling I am used to.
 
Lately this feeling of failure is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, what I think about during the night when I cannot sleep, and what awaits me when I wake up in the morning. It permeates everything I do. It is wrecking one of my favorite times of year. It is wrecking the joy I feel being around my own family.
 
I hate feeling uncertain, unappreciated, unsure, heck, unwanted. I hate that there is a now a knot in my gut all day long. I was foolish enough to think that people at work would see how hard I was trying. That by me finding the courage to take some chances and think outside the box, it would count for something. That someone in management would appreciate and recognize the lengths I was willing to go to find a solution.
 
Instead my value to the company is even more in question. So much so, I felt like I was summoned to a meeting to get my walking papers last week. I didn't, at least not yet. That is never a nice feeling to experience, but it is especially hard for me because our family size has recently increased by two. At this moment in my life, my contribution to the family income, is crucial.
 
Why is it that after doing a job for almost 24 years, my opinion does not matter? Why is it that after continually attempting to share ideas, and implement them, I am questioned about what I really do, what my role is? Whose fault is it that I am in a "grey area"? Why am I, after 12 years with this company, asked to write my own job description to clear up the confusion about what I do?
 
How can I not be offended by this? And not then take everything said as a criticism? My new boss (who has been at our company for a year) told me he has no idea what I really do. How is that even possible? If someone told you that you needed to start submitting a report every Friday about what you were going to do the next week, how would you take that? I cannot "not be so sensitive". I must be wired differently.
 
I take it like this, I am a failure. If no one can see any value to what I bring to the table, somewhere I have made a crucial error. Did I fail to advocate for myself? To make sure I achieved recognition? I am not motivated by my personal gain (at least not monetarily). Job satisfaction, passion for what I do, and joy come from feeling that I make a difference. Clearly I have failed to make that difference in my workplace, I have failed to matter. And that is my worst fear realized.
 
So, I am facing it. I am now going to find the courage to carry on. This blog will no longer remain quiet. I will once again achieve success. My promise to my family is this: I will not be sad anymore. I will fix this.

When one door closes, another opens.
 
If you find yourself in a similar situation, maybe these quotes will help.
 
He who loses wealth loses much; he who loses a friend loses more; but he who loses his courage loses all. - Miguel de Cervantes

Have the courage to face a difficulty lest it kick you harder than you bargain for. - Stanislaus

At somewhere around the age of 50 I began to remember my very first friends.

The trees.

For my younger years, many weekends were spent up north at our cabin in the woods. In the front of the cabin was a river, and the backyard was all woods. I could play in the back all by myself but could only go out front if supervised.

Trees were the first to listen to me, without interruption, advice, or judgment.

The first to accept me as I am.

To calm me simply with their presence.

They give the best silent advice, allowing you to figure it out from within.

Looking back I realize they never tried to be anything other than what they were. They remained solid, strong, truthful always.

They didn't try to make me like them or try to be something they were not, just to fit in.

They didn't change themselves when someone new came along, so they could impress.

They didn't say all the right things to make me happy then turn their backs on me when things got rough.

They didn't be nice to my face and say mean things about me when I left.

They never tried to make themselves feel better by making me feel bad, or by judging me, or comparing me to others, or ridiculing me.

They remained loyal even when I strayed. Even when I made mistakes.

They held space for me. That is what true friends do.

We should all be more like trees. Like the kind of friend a tree is.

Loyal

Accepting

Understanding

Faithful

Truthful

Patient

After nearly 50 years I have come back to my tree friends, and I am grateful they have quietly been awaiting my return.

It is as if no time (and all time) has passed since I have spoken to them.

Years of life lessons have made me wiser, and also shown me how little I really understand.

The trees hold many answers. After all they remain rooted in this earth long after we leave it.

We should all strive to be friends like trees.

While I haven't been writing on my blog as much as I'd hoped to, I have tried my hand at writing a few meditations. Here is one I recently recorded. It isn't perfect, but then who/what is? I hope you enjoy it! --Namaste

On and off for the last several years I have been blessed to help "mom" and guide some very strong young women. For a while our couch was a safe haven for those who needed a soft place to land. I affectionately call them the 'girls on the couch'. But they really are pieces of my heart. For each one has taught me lessons I desperately needed to learn. I am thankful for their love and their patience and for how they have shown me the way back to myself. 

(While this passage is written to them---it is really about me and what I have learned along the way. While bits and pieces may resemble a real person on my couch, it is strictly coincidental.)

Dear Girl on My Couch:

Your life is so full of possibilities. Stop worrying so much about the future. Stop expecting the past to change or right itself. Stop clinging to the way you thought it should be or could be and start living and loving the moment in front of you.

Truly, fully, deeply.

There is nothing to be frightened of--nothing you cannot handle. No hurdle or roadblock you will not be able to get around or plow through. Don't let fear hold you back from being you.

Life may not always be easy, and it definitely won't happen like you thought, but that is okay. You will handle it. Especially if you stop resisting and learn to flow with life.

Planning it all out is not the way to happiness. It is a a control strategy your mind has put into place to try and keep you safe from failing. It doesn't work.

At the heart of it all is fear that you won't be able to handle it--whatever that is.

But you can.

You simply need to believe in the power of YOU and never give that power to anyone else. No one else can tell you if you are on track. Only you have that ability.

It will only serve as a lesson in major frustration --as even the most careful of planners will have the unexpected happen to them --it is how you respond that matters.

Never do what others want you to do, especially if it goes against your gut or if it stops you from following your heart.

Let your beautiful compassionate heart that feels so much lead you where it longs to.

Follow it with full trust.

Remember that wounds are temporary, and really just opportunities to learn more.

Scars are nothing to be ashamed of --use them as reminders of battles won. Opposition conquered. Wear them bravely and proudly.

They are simply physical reminders of lessons learned.

Someday you will have wrinkles and sags, and have collected more junk that you will ever know what to do with and yet you will remember the chances you took with a smile. You will treasure those adventures you didn't see coming.

Someday you will be proud of the times you stood your ground in the face of opposition. The times you risked being unpopular, or disappointed those whose opinion mattered most because it was the right thing to do (or say)-- or the times you felt alone and misunderstood, yet found strength and support from within.

You will remember standing in your truth and remaining true to your soul.

And looking back, most likely those times you disappointed others but remained true to your soul will be the turning points of your life.

The major themes in your story. The memories that make you believe in yourself again.

Better your life's road be long and winding with some meandering thrown in--than a straight and direct line to your grave.

Sweet girl what are you so afraid of?

You've been alone before--- and love has found you.

You've felt abandoned --and someone has stepped in to claim you.

You've felt hopeless --and hope showed up to renew your strength and belief in yourself.

You've given your heart away to the wrong person and it has come back a little broken, but still beating. And you've shielded your heart from others who continue to love you unconditionally. Both have left you with a greater understanding of love, a fuller heart.

When times get tough, remember to breathe. Focus on the next step --not the overwhelming big picture, and remember that you are never alone.

Remember that you are loved beyond measure.

That you are worthy of everything you desire.

That you matter and that your presence makes a difference.

And never forget that no amount of darkness inside is enough to extinguish your natural light.

Dear girl on the couch:

I see , honor, acknowledge and appreciate your light within, I always will. You cannotscare me away.

XO

I've been encouraged to try my hand at recording some guided meditations for relaxation. Here are a few to get you started. Each are around 10 minutes in length. It is key to remember that meditation is not about emptying your mind of thought, it is about quieting your mind and reducing the noise from the world around you to hear your deepest thoughts.

So I encourage you to find a comfortable quiet place and see if these meditations help rejuvenate your spirit. Please allow yourself a few extra minutes afterwards to reflect on the the places your mind wandered when it was allowed to just be for a bit. Oftentimes there is an important message that comes to the surface when we are finally able to quiet the noise.

I hope you enjoy these-- and will check back for more as I improve my technique.

--Namaste

So many exciting things happening in Sept. including a Meditation Circle where you can sample several types of meditations and share stories of spirit with others afterwards!

Here is the link to the Get Off Go Newsletter which lists all the upcoming workshops for September: http://eepurl.com/1e819

Will I see you at one of them?

---Terri

When I had the opportunity to spend a long winter weekend at my sister’s cottage, I jumped at the chance. We'd gone up there over New Year’s weekend and since then I have been pretty much living the life of a turtle. Unless I was out teaching yoga or attending a meeting, I’ve been hiding in my safe shell staying warm, focused and holed up in my house. I was more than ready to head up again.

Going up north gives me the chance to leave some of my regular life behind and to focus inward, to walk amongst the trees and to operate at a slower pace. Reading, watching inspiring TedX talks, and writing are all part of my meandering through winter weekends up north with little responsibility and no to do lists.

I ran across this video from Sam Berns. It's worth watching. He has a philosophy for living a happy life, and it is pretty simple. I’m paraphrasing here but this is the heart of what he had to say:

1. Be okay with what you can’t do because there is so much more you CAN do.
2. Surround yourself with people who are positive influences, those people you want to be around.
3. Keep moving forward-- there is nothing gained if you dwell on what could have been.

Three months after the Ted X talk on the video, Sam passed away. He had a disease that only a small percentage of the entire world’s population suffers from (somewhere around 200 people currently have it). The genetic disease is called progeria and it causes early aging, it is also hard to keep weight on.  At 17 Sam weighed only 50 pounds.

Although he never looked the way most people think a teenager should look, he more resembled an old man, his spirit remained young and optimistic. He played to his strengths, appreciated those around him who supported his dreams, and never focused on being a victim. While his disease may have held him back from doing some of the things he wanted in life, he didn’t let it stop his forward motion and continued to make his dreams come true by finding innovative solutions to his roadblocks. Something we all should aspire to do. I know his story made me think about how I can use what I have been given to create change in my corner of the world.

Are you living happy? Does your current life resemble the one you once imagined, or are you living a life someone else told you to?

 Back To Me

I once thought I was, but learned I wasn’t.
I once thought I did, but discovered I hadn’t.
Then when I was sure, I realized instead I had no clue.
Life is a journey,
Self–discovery is a continual practice.
I am in a state of constant transformation,
My story is forever being rewritten.
Learning to be at peace with myself has been my challenge.
Uncovering the real me, and believing in her, my constant lesson.
Putting my trust in the universe, allowing life to happen,
knowing all is as it should be, my daily practice.
This practice has turned darkness into light,
Frustration into gratitude,
Control into love,
And changed my labored breaths into glorious swells of light and love.
I am now able to see through the fog. I have made it home.
Back to me.

 

"What does your mom do all day?"

That is what my son's friend asked as they drove up north to our cottage yesterday. Through the eyes of a typical 18-year-old semi-addicted to her cell phone, a day of sitting alone on a dock by the water in the sun, with a book and a notepad sounded like drudgery. Boredom. Geekness, I think she even said.

To me, it is heaven. Add a little wine and a deep conversation and you have a perfect day.

I had to smile at her response.  How would she know that someday she will want this time. It might be years from now, but she will someday want -- no need-- this time for herself to be still. It will be necessary. Vital. Especially if she is a wife, mom and working girl and heading towards her mid-forties or later.

I realize that I never taught my kids to pay attention to their minds much. At least not the quieting of them. I was more about the doing, unfortunately. Because now I see that understanding mindfulness, and personal time and being able to listen to your inner voice, is KEY to happiness.

Without this understanding, how would she know that someday she is going to want the quiet, the stillness, the alone time to just be, to reconnect with herself?

This summer I have taken advantage of any day like that I can. I know they won't last, I won't be granted this little slice of heaven for long. So I am being selfish.

And I am so grateful for this time doing "nothing"..