“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
LAO-TZU”

I am not sure I will ever completely shake my desire to fit in, make a good impression, be liked, or be acknowledged for my strengths. My people pleasing need runs deep, but I am making progress.

It has taken years to be able to be able to say no and not "worry" whether the person I just let down will be mad. In truth, if they are mad at me for setting and sticking to my boundaries, I’ve decided they really aren't friend material. Once I told someone "no" who was asking for my help (again) and as I attempted to justify my reasoning, they abruptly stopped me and said, you don't have to explain. But they didn't say it in a nice way, like "Oh, your reasons for saying no to my request are your reasons, I respect your decision." It was more like, "Oh, you are saying no to me, then we're done."

I seriously have not had any interaction with this person since I said no, which tells me I was being used. This has happened to me more than once. I realized that until I took the reins back, the power was going to remain outside of myself and in the hands of someone else.

If we stand true to who we are, it is impossible to be everything to everyone. We aren’t supposed to be liked by all. If we try to be, we end up losing ourselves. I know this, it happened to me. I got in so deep I tried to make a good impression on people who were never, ever going to see me for who I was, for what I brought to the table. I did not fit in their mold. I did not agree with them. I did not see it their way. And no amount of accomplishing was going to change anything. Does that sound exhausting? It was.

I know I have weaknesses. I hate math, I could care less about money—except to survive, and I am not good with remembering numbers or dates, like in history. I am not very patient, and I roll my eyes when I feel time is a wasting. Playing along with someone’s ego game, or following rules imposed by those who need to feel powerful (especially if the rules have no practical base or don’t represent a truthful perspective) makes me nutty in an anxious, impatient way. I dislike veiled criticisms, manipulation, or passive-aggressive behavior. And since I am human, I really don’t like hearing personal criticism, but I am continually working on that.

I live in, and respect, honesty, truth and fairness.

It has taken me a long time to realize that despite my weaknesses, I also have many strengths, and I make it a point to choose the people, activities, job opportunities, hobbies which utilize those unique strengths. I don’t try to shore up my weaknesses anymore, I let someone with the skill set I am lacking do that part for me. I concentrate on doing what I do easily, naturally, so I can shine. To let life flow with my strengths is so much less of an uphill struggle. Taking charge of my well-being means I needed to set some boundaries and let go of my deep need to be liked. It wasn’t easy to sift through years and layers of toxicity I created within myself, but it has totally been worth the effort. I am happier and more me right NOW, than I ever remember being.

At the end of the day, I continue to put forth my best efforts to walk my talk, live (and learn) by example, do the right thing, spread love, kindness and acceptance daily, and appreciate those who love and accept me for who I am, faults and all. I focus on shining my brightest light, and living life as the best version of me.

If you are still stuck in the need to please merry-go-round, stop, breathe, and give yourself permission to take back your power and make necessary changes. Yes, this will shake up your life, but isn’t that exactly what you need to bring in positive new energy? Allow yourself to start something new, or stop doing something you’ve discovered isn’t right for you, to let go of people and or things that no longer serve your highest good, to say NO, or to say YES, and to do what feels right from the inside out, despite what others may tell you to do. Take a step in the direction of your best life and watch the magic unfold.

You can do it. Yes, you really should do it. C'mon, what are you waiting for?

Is something holding you back from truly going for what you want out of life; either in your relationship, your career or your dreams? I ask this question seriously...could it be you?

Could YOU be holding yourself back, letting your small self take over and highlight only the possible pitfalls if you move forward in the direction of your dreams, instead of illuminating the possible positives? Whether you are aware of it or not, YOU might be doing a whole lot of self-sabotaging before you even begin to get things rolling in the right direction.

Would it be easier to move forward if someone else told you exactly what you should do?

Oh yeah. At least I think it would be for me. Deep down I know I don't need anyone else's permission to start my own forward motion; yet I seek it. Too often. And I seem to let others stop me in my tracks when their version of what I should do doesn't match up to the one in my heart. I sometimes wonder if I think that their aligning with my vision, their permission/confirmation in a sense, is what I am after when I ask a question or broach a new idea and when they don't my small voice jumps in and says "see, I told you it was a dumb idea".

Maybe secretly we all seek permission from others. Why? In my convoluted way of overthinking, if someone told me exactly what to do it would take away most of the uncertainty, and it would also make it someone else's fault if I tried and failed. Someone else to blame if things go badly. (Did I really just admit that?). Our minds do strange things when we seek to ensure there will be no failure ahead. And, I suppose on a deeper level, getting permission from someone else to 'go for it' makes me feel like I am not alone.

Are you waiting to choose a path that would please everyone around you? Are you waiting for the path to be so clear you have no doubt about the next step, eliminating your need for trust and faith (in yourself). Are you waiting for a sign that the time is "right"?

If so, you will be waiting for (possibly) ever.

YOU are responsible for starting your own forward motion. YOU and you alone need to take the first step. You need to give yourself both permission to thrive, and permission to fail at the same time; as there are no guarantees. Ever.

I am posting/repeating this for my own benefit as much as yours. I am still stuck, still scared to start down a path that isn't clear. I want someone to tell me what to do.  Tell me to write that book (and tell me what to write about as well), or to open a shop/studio or to start an online school, or to just go on and get a real job already. Or I want someone to say you are exactly what I need to do "this", let's do "this" thing together, and I think in my head that would be so much easier because if we fail, we fail as a team, and that won't be as bad as standing there holding the shame/regret/failure bag alone.

As a recovering control freak, I want the path ahead to be clear. I want to see all the way to the end result before I even begin. Silly, I know. And that is why on some deep level I understand everyone who crosses my path who is also secretly seeking permission.

Because I, too, want the same permission to thrive. And, I seek this from outside of me and what I really need is to grant myself the permission from within to move forward. To believe in myself. To take a chance on me. To go for it. 

When people come to me for coaching help, the answer they seek is always within them. The power is always in their own red shoes. My job may be to help them dig in and dig out what is important, to listen, to work them toward feeling better in their body or cleanse their spirit, or to point out roadblocks they need to work through, but"permission" for them to move forward, that is all within.

Permission to thrive. It comes from within. It is in you and it is in me. Let's make a deal: let's do "that" together, grant ourselves permission to move forward in the direction our heart is telling us to go, with no guarantees.  C'mon, we can do it!

I took a Zentangle class this past Monday with Nancy VanRooy through GR Parks and Recreation and when I pulled out my Zentangles again this morning, I felt like an artist.

That is a powerful feeling for a non-artist like me.

What I love most about taking a new class like this ---is the feeling of being successful. Not successful in the way of judging how my final creation looked compared to everyone else's, or in garnering accolades like "Ooh your Zentangle is fantastic, what a great job you did, you are a talented artist", but in how I felt while doing it.

This class made me feel creative, talented, and empowered. And days later I am still feeling like an artist.

'You can't do it wrong' are magic words for a recovering control freak with a perfectionistic streak.

They spell creative freedom to me. Permission to use my imagination. To feel my way through using intuition, not technique and to paint outside the lines if I want to.

And this permission up front to do it my way also completely silences my inner mean voice. There is no judgment, no comparison, no feeling that I stand out in all the wrong ways. Just quiet, happy acceptance at my efforts and pride in my work.

It is the difference between inner stress and inner peace in my body.

I have never been good at following complicated step by step processes. 'How to' books that show a detailed one stroke at a time procedure have never worked for me. (Maybe that is why I also dislike math so much). And why I never willingly volunteer to assemble or build anything or to keep detailed records, and maybe it even explains why I break so many things. My family likes to make fun of the way I open (destroy) boxes of cereal -- or bags of chips. Do those 'tear here' or 'open on the dotted lines' instructions ever really work for anyone?

What I love about Yoga, Zentangle & GROOVE -- is that you do it your way. With 100% permission to be unique. You are told to listen to your body and do what feels right, to morph your oopsies into something beautiful as there are no mistakes in Zentangle, or to uniquely express with your body what you hear in the music.

Each one of those phrases allows a sense of freedom and joy to bloom within me.

And my spirit has needed to feel this way for a very long time. As a highly sensitive person I dislike being compared, watched, graded, or judged more than you can imagine, especially when I do it to myself.

One of my favorite parts of the Zentangle class was seeing the uniqueness of everyone's tiles afterwards; not to "compare" mine to theirs, but to see how each woman there listened to the same instructions and yet created something different. No two tiles looked even close to the same.

And therein lies the beauty of creative freedom, and the power of permission in allowing someone to do it 'their way'.

As a yoga instructor it is my hope that no student ever thinks they have to look like the person on the mat next to them in a specific pose. Your pose should be as as unique to you as your DNA. It is not about how it looks on the outside, it is about how it feels on the inside.

Every time I step onto my mat to lead a yoga class, or take the floor to begin a GROOVE class, I hope I empower each student to do it 'their way' like Nancy did in our Zentangle class. What more does a person really need to flourish than permission to be uniquely themselves?

Start saying YES to whatever allows you to be more of your unique and beautiful self, and say NO to anything that dims your light. This small thing has immense life changing power. This I know.