You can do it. Yes, you really should do it. C'mon, what are you waiting for?

Is something holding you back from truly going for what you want out of life; either in your relationship, your career or your dreams? I ask this question seriously...could it be you?

Could YOU be holding yourself back, letting your small self take over and highlight only the possible pitfalls if you move forward in the direction of your dreams, instead of illuminating the possible positives? Whether you are aware of it or not, YOU might be doing a whole lot of self-sabotaging before you even begin to get things rolling in the right direction.

Would it be easier to move forward if someone else told you exactly what you should do?

Oh yeah. At least I think it would be for me. Deep down I know I don't need anyone else's permission to start my own forward motion; yet I seek it. Too often. And I seem to let others stop me in my tracks when their version of what I should do doesn't match up to the one in my heart. I sometimes wonder if I think that their aligning with my vision, their permission/confirmation in a sense, is what I am after when I ask a question or broach a new idea and when they don't my small voice jumps in and says "see, I told you it was a dumb idea".

Maybe secretly we all seek permission from others. Why? In my convoluted way of overthinking, if someone told me exactly what to do it would take away most of the uncertainty, and it would also make it someone else's fault if I tried and failed. Someone else to blame if things go badly. (Did I really just admit that?). Our minds do strange things when we seek to ensure there will be no failure ahead. And, I suppose on a deeper level, getting permission from someone else to 'go for it' makes me feel like I am not alone.

Are you waiting to choose a path that would please everyone around you? Are you waiting for the path to be so clear you have no doubt about the next step, eliminating your need for trust and faith (in yourself). Are you waiting for a sign that the time is "right"?

If so, you will be waiting for (possibly) ever.

YOU are responsible for starting your own forward motion. YOU and you alone need to take the first step. You need to give yourself both permission to thrive, and permission to fail at the same time; as there are no guarantees. Ever.

I am posting/repeating this for my own benefit as much as yours. I am still stuck, still scared to start down a path that isn't clear. I want someone to tell me what to do.  Tell me to write that book (and tell me what to write about as well), or to open a shop/studio or to start an online school, or to just go on and get a real job already. Or I want someone to say you are exactly what I need to do "this", let's do "this" thing together, and I think in my head that would be so much easier because if we fail, we fail as a team, and that won't be as bad as standing there holding the shame/regret/failure bag alone.

As a recovering control freak, I want the path ahead to be clear. I want to see all the way to the end result before I even begin. Silly, I know. And that is why on some deep level I understand everyone who crosses my path who is also secretly seeking permission.

Because I, too, want the same permission to thrive. And, I seek this from outside of me and what I really need is to grant myself the permission from within to move forward. To believe in myself. To take a chance on me. To go for it. 

When people come to me for coaching help, the answer they seek is always within them. The power is always in their own red shoes. My job may be to help them dig in and dig out what is important, to listen, to work them toward feeling better in their body or cleanse their spirit, or to point out roadblocks they need to work through, but"permission" for them to move forward, that is all within.

Permission to thrive. It comes from within. It is in you and it is in me. Let's make a deal: let's do "that" together, grant ourselves permission to move forward in the direction our heart is telling us to go, with no guarantees.  C'mon, we can do it!

I wrote the following post nearly a year ago, and apparently never posted it. It seems relevant to post now as the approaching change of season inspires me to (once again) clear out the clutter that has built up over the last year. (Okay that will be a little harder now that there is a baby in the house, but I will do my best to get rid of the things I have hung onto "for someday"  and never used). How about you?

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Is it time for you to clear out some of your mental or emotional clutter?

I took a large load of stuff we didn't wear (or use) to Goodwill today. It felt really freeing to get it out of my house, out of my way and off of my mind. I need to do it again --with another closet.

This living by example can be tough some days. I always encourage my yoga students to let "things" go with every exhale, to lighten their load mentally and emotionally and make room for fresh air. New thoughts. Different ideas. Positivity.

In addition maybe I should start recommending that people work to simplify their lives. To remove some of the "physical" junk we keep around us. The dead weight. The stuff we keep "in case".

If you are at all like me, you probably have saved something for a future rainy day need only to misplace it in the heap of "stuff" you saved just "in case" and ultimately end up buying another.

When I walked away from the business world I grew up in, I left behind the need to always be buying more stuff. I live so much simpler now. Comfortable clothes, the same flip flops or same boots I wore last year. Maybe I even wear the same pair of yoga pants twice in one week (washed of course). The great thing about my new life is that no one cares --- the yoga community is less judgmental, more open, and super appreciative that I show up --- and not at all worried about what I show up in.

I love my job. When people ask what I do---I have been answering "officially I am a yoga instructor, unofficially I help people feel better in their own bodies and promote peace--inner peace that is."

Hey, peace has to start somewhere. I'd like to help it along and make people feel good about themselves.

Clear the clutter from your life. Breathe a little easier in your own skin. Feel good.

Namaste beautiful soul.

Dear Friend:

How have you been? It has been so long since I have heard your voice or seen your beautiful face.

I miss you. I haven't forgotten you, or given up hope that someday you will respond to my texts or emails, far from it in fact. I have learned that things will happen in their own time; I now have patience.

I don't send you messages so you feel guilty about not communicating, I send them so you know that I am still here, in case you need a friend. In case you think you are not welcomed back with opened arms because of the way you left.

I am hopeful you will come back to me. And if you never do, I will also be grateful for the little time we had.

Although our friendship was brief, it was deep and meaningful. You came to me at a time in my life where I needed people like you.

When I met you I felt I had known you forever, maybe even in another lifetime. I understood you quickly, and quite surprisingly you seemed to understand me right back. I felt free to be  my curious self, to ask possibly unanswerable questions and to wonder at the answers with you. I never felt the need to prove myself, or to fit in. We just clicked.

From that immediate acceptance of all that I was, and was not, the burden of hoping you would like me was lifted. I simply showed up and you loved me. Your unbiased and unconditional love helped me believe in my goodness again, especially after a period where I felt lost and oh so unworthy.

Maybe that was all our friendship was ever supposed to be, you popping in to redirect me back to my path, but I really hope not.

I miss the moments when we unapologetically laughed and cried together. When our thoughts felt synchronized, as if sometimes we did it as one being. I was never worried that you would judge me or laugh at me no matter how much I dreamed out loud, or changed my mind. I never feared that you would ridicule me for what I believed, instead you helped me understand what you believed and that gave me hope that I would figure it all out in my own way someday.

Dear friend, I treasure those times we had.

My mean voice often wants to asks what I did to push you away? But I won't let it. Because the calm, still voice inside knows that very likely it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you.

I am here for you. Waiting in the light as you once waited for me. I cannot understand (or support you through) what you won't share with me, especially not when there is only silence from your end. So the only thing I can do is hold space for you, until you heal. I pray that the time will come when you will emerge from your cocoon, ready to reconnect-- transformed, rejuvenated, peace-filled and free of whatever has weighed heavy on your spirit.

In my waiting time I will smile, filled with the joy of anticipation in thinking of all things that we might do together someday. If it happens, I will be grateful. If it doesn't, I will also be grateful for the brief, yet beautiful time we had together as friends.

Namaste, my dear friend. Namaste.

“Grace. I understood it now. It was being able to give up something that it broke your heart to lose, and be happy about it.”

— Robert McCammon, Author of Boy's Life

I think I understand it now, too.

It has taken me a long time to learn the true meaning of grace.

For last five years or so I been working hard to take back the reigns of my own power. From my ego. She has ruled for so long that her strategies for keeping control were deeply ingrained in me. I lived by her rules; of planning, organization, accomplishment, and to do lists. She kept me unsettled, and very busily focused on the end goal. As I work to let go of her unhealthy practices that had me not fully appreciating the many little and big moments of the life right in front of me, I have been more easily able to recognize moments of true grace in my world.

Grace = doing the right thing.

Being a planned, organized, control freak doesn't prepare you for the unexpected things in life that happen, like learning your baby is having a baby. Especially not when he is only 19 and clearly not emotionally or financially ready to care for a baby, and isn't even in a relationship anymore. And it does not prepare you for being a grand parent for the first time and not being able to officially claim the role you've been anticipating for years.

The thing that gets you through is grace. Doing the right thing, even if it is the hardest thing you can imagine.

The decision to give my grand baby up for adoption wasn't mine to make, thankfully. And while this situation was one I never thought I would be in, it has shown me how to be thankful for the little things, even if they don't work out the way you once imagined they would. 

I appreciate how very lucky to be even a small part of my grandson's life.

My son showed me the meaning of grace as he wrestled with his decision to either fight to keep his son, or to give him a chance at a life with two loving parents. He understood he wasn't ready to be a father, and wasn't strong enough to navigate a messy co-parenting situation with someone he was no longer even friends with; and yet babies are his thing. He has always had immediate and deep bonds with little ones. I know that making the decision to let go of his own child ate away a part of his heart. As it did mine.

His grace-filled decision to do the right thing was in turn mirrored by the beautiful couple who adopted his child as they agreed to an open adoption. Showing their grace in turn by doing the hard thing and allowing (strangers) to have a presence in their son's life. From the first moment we met them they offered us grace, and while I sometimes have a hard time accepting I am worthy of that kind of grace, I am fully thankful of how awesome it is.

This whole unplanned situation has been a great learning experience for me. It has opened my eyes to the many sides of adoption. I appreciate my grandson's loving parents for their willingness to stand firm in their acceptance of us even in the face of questioning from their family and friends. I realize his other grandparents would rather not share the role with my husband and I, and maybe even secretly wish we'd just fade away. I might feel the same in their shoes.

I understand why their friends and family question their decision to trust us to babysit. It isn't hard to imagine them thinking thoughts about us like "how can you trust them, they clearly didn't do a great job of parenting the first time around." Or, "what is wrong with these people that they wouldn't keep their own grand child?" Because once I might have had similar ones myself.

And I accept that most people may even judge us for giving him up in the first place. At one time I probably would have. Funny thing is, we often think we know what we would do in someone else's shoes, until we find ourselves in them.

I have come to realize, even the best laid plans go haywire sometimes. Every time I think of the family and friends who doubt my grandbaby's parents in letting us get to know him, I want to shout from the rooftops that we don't want to intrude, or to assume someone's rightful role, or to overstep--- we just want our grandson to know that he is/was always loved, always wanted and will forever have all the love in our hearts.

This situation is heartwarming and heartbreaking. Beautiful and Brutiful --in the words of Glennon Melton. Their willingness to include us in his life and in theirs is humbling. It is selfless and scary and overflowing with buckets of grace, and is something I will be forever grateful for.

Picturing my grandson's smiling little face reminds me to take a breath and allow grace to soothe me. To stop being sad for missing the special moments of his life and to rejoice in how lucky I am to even know him. As I continually work to appreciate, I am simply thankful to be a part of his life at all.

Huge gratitude to all the teachers in my life who have shown me through their actions what grace truly is. By their examples I am learning to both accept and offer grace, to myself and to others.  

Namaste.

A manifesto, a poem, an inspiration, who knows? Sharing the words that came to me while walking with the trees.

Her Transformation to Truth

She emerged from hibernation less like a bear and more like a butterfly.

Transformed, she now sparkled with color.

Opening her wings to fly,

Maybe for the first time ever,

She was truly free of all that weighed her down.

She considered the time spent within well worth it.

For the world in front of her was somehow different.

Although things were in the same places, she didn’t view them the same. There was more color, more texture and so many things she had never truly noticed before. Her post-hibernation world was ablaze with wonder.

She saw raw beauty in all places. Found joy in each moment. Let hope fill her every in-breath.  And as she acknowledged this, trust began to grow again in her heart.

She would no longer live a life of pretend to make others feel better. It had never suited her.

And keeping up the pretend only confused her more.

From this moment on she knew she would remain at truth. Always. And if the truth did not please others, she’d speak it boldly anyway, or she would stand strong and silent if she thought it best, as long as doing so did not compromise her soul.

She understood that truth would remain her constant and trusted companion—would serve as her guiding light, and the familiar voices of doubt and indecision would find nothing to argue with if she did.

As she embraced her new world, she wisely realized that truth was the solid ground on which she would begin to grow into the best version of herself.

---Terri Spaulding

It is no secret to anyone that I meditate. Lately though I've been choosing quality over quantity, as I am very picky about the spaces I choose to meditate. Outdoors is by far my favorite setting and in the warmer months there is a little spot that calls to me up north by my cottage.

Meditation has proven to be a lifesaver for me. I realize now how many years I spent ignoring my inner voice and suppressing my intuition, even going so far as to dismiss early signs in my own body of an imbalance or potential problem. It's a common thing, especially for women. Often times we put the needs of others, our families our spouses, even our careers ahead of our own physical and spiritual needs. By the time we get our 'to do' list done, there is no energy left to direct inward. If meditation is suggested before a Type A like me even  understands how to slow down, fledgling attempts to relax and meditate are met with sleep. (As was often the case for me in the early days of yoga classes, shavashana equaled power nap.)

Embracing down time and creating opportunities and space to tune in and to let my mind wander without specific goals has allowed me to have a greater understanding of my body, of my thought patterns, and has reconnected me with my positive and supportive inner voice. In the spaces between my thoughts, I have found the real me. 

The real me is much more aware of unhealthy patterns now. A week ago I posed a question to myself during my meditation time asking why I had stalled on my writing efforts. Writing is important to me and my biggest creative goal is to write a book (or three).

Here is the internal conversation that ensued.

Me: Why am I not motivated to write?

Inner Me: I sense that I am on a precipice. It is higher than I am normally comfortable with. I am distracting myself from taking the next step because I am scared. The next step isn't clear. It requires courage, belief, trust and means total vulnerability.

Me: What if I write what I need/want to and no one reads it?

Inner Me: Does it really matter?

Me: I have written a lot that no one has even read.  Do you think it would get me unstuck if I just get the words out--with no expectation they will go anywhere?

Inner Me: What do you think? If you thought the wisdom you'd gained would help someone else, wouldn't you share it? Of course you would.

Me: So there is my answer, right?

Inner Me: Write it and share it. If it helps someone, or if someone likes your words or your writing style, it may lead to the next step.

Me: What if I am not sure of my audience?

Inner Me: Does it really matter? Again, if you thought someone (an unnamed, unidentified person) could learn from you being courageous and sharing your words, would you share them? Of course you would. So don't worry about your audience. Write from your soul. The accomplished writers always say to write what you know. So, write what you know. Trust the rest will happen as it is supposed to.

Me: Anything else I need to know?

Inner Me: You are loved.

Me: Thank you. So are you. Appreciate the help. Perhaps now I just need to Get Off Go.

Meditation can be different every time you tune in. That is why it is a practice and we approach it with no expectations, only patience and space. I will say after years of dialogue in my head with a mean inner voice who always found me lacking, I am happy to connect with this supportive, helpful and loving side. No matter where it takes me, my focused inward time during meditation always brings me back to a peaceful place--and shines a welcoming light on the next step in front of me.

Which now that I think about it --- is very helpful when you are on a precipice.

On and off for the last several years I have been blessed to help "mom" and guide some very strong young women. For a while our couch was a safe haven for those who needed a soft place to land. I affectionately call them the 'girls on the couch'. But they really are pieces of my heart. For each one has taught me lessons I desperately needed to learn. I am thankful for their love and their patience and for how they have shown me the way back to myself. 

(While this passage is written to them---it is really about me and what I have learned along the way. While bits and pieces may resemble a real person on my couch, it is strictly coincidental.)

Dear Girl on My Couch:

Your life is so full of possibilities. Stop worrying so much about the future. Stop expecting the past to change or right itself. Stop clinging to the way you thought it should be or could be and start living and loving the moment in front of you.

Truly, fully, deeply.

There is nothing to be frightened of--nothing you cannot handle. No hurdle or roadblock you will not be able to get around or plow through. Don't let fear hold you back from being you.

Life may not always be easy, and it definitely won't happen like you thought, but that is okay. You will handle it. Especially if you stop resisting and learn to flow with life.

Planning it all out is not the way to happiness. It is a a control strategy your mind has put into place to try and keep you safe from failing. It doesn't work.

At the heart of it all is fear that you won't be able to handle it--whatever that is.

But you can.

You simply need to believe in the power of YOU and never give that power to anyone else. No one else can tell you if you are on track. Only you have that ability.

It will only serve as a lesson in major frustration --as even the most careful of planners will have the unexpected happen to them --it is how you respond that matters.

Never do what others want you to do, especially if it goes against your gut or if it stops you from following your heart.

Let your beautiful compassionate heart that feels so much lead you where it longs to.

Follow it with full trust.

Remember that wounds are temporary, and really just opportunities to learn more.

Scars are nothing to be ashamed of --use them as reminders of battles won. Opposition conquered. Wear them bravely and proudly.

They are simply physical reminders of lessons learned.

Someday you will have wrinkles and sags, and have collected more junk that you will ever know what to do with and yet you will remember the chances you took with a smile. You will treasure those adventures you didn't see coming.

Someday you will be proud of the times you stood your ground in the face of opposition. The times you risked being unpopular, or disappointed those whose opinion mattered most because it was the right thing to do (or say)-- or the times you felt alone and misunderstood, yet found strength and support from within.

You will remember standing in your truth and remaining true to your soul.

And looking back, most likely those times you disappointed others but remained true to your soul will be the turning points of your life.

The major themes in your story. The memories that make you believe in yourself again.

Better your life's road be long and winding with some meandering thrown in--than a straight and direct line to your grave.

Sweet girl what are you so afraid of?

You've been alone before--- and love has found you.

You've felt abandoned --and someone has stepped in to claim you.

You've felt hopeless --and hope showed up to renew your strength and belief in yourself.

You've given your heart away to the wrong person and it has come back a little broken, but still beating. And you've shielded your heart from others who continue to love you unconditionally. Both have left you with a greater understanding of love, a fuller heart.

When times get tough, remember to breathe. Focus on the next step --not the overwhelming big picture, and remember that you are never alone.

Remember that you are loved beyond measure.

That you are worthy of everything you desire.

That you matter and that your presence makes a difference.

And never forget that no amount of darkness inside is enough to extinguish your natural light.

Dear girl on the couch:

I see , honor, acknowledge and appreciate your light within, I always will. You cannotscare me away.

XO

...and all the sweet little girls I get to watch grow up--believe in your goodness. Value yourself and stay true to you.

As Grandma TT to a sweet baby girl who lives in our house, I have the unexpected pleasure of not only watching her grow and change daily, but helping guide her. Not a day goes by without me repeating positive affirmations to her sweet little face in hopes that she knows in every cell of her body, heart, mind and soul how loved and wanted she is.  Every time I look into her sweet face I think about all the things I want her to never forget.

Like how beautiful she is.

How strong she is.

How curious she is.

How intelligent she is.

How powerful she is.

I want her to hear those things so often she embraces all that she is and never lets anyone move her off her confident center. I hope she never doubts herself, or her instincts, and never gives anyone else the power to make her feel she is not enough.

If I had a dollar for every time I was told in the 50 years before understanding that I was a highly sensitive person that I asked too many questions, wanted too many details, had a lot of energy or was too intense-- I'd have a nice little nest egg saved up.

Instead those comments went straight to the heart of me and fueled the people pleaser in me who wanted to be liked by everyone, who thought I needed to change to fit in and who believed the goal was to be like everyone else. When in truth what I really needed was to accentuate my differences and be exactly who I was. Simply staying true to me would have been easier and so much less of a struggle in the long run.

I want to make sure Nollie knows exactly who she is, and loves herself fully for it.

As a highly sensitive mother raising a highly sensitive son I can look back and see the many mistakes I made. As Grandma TT, or Aunt TT I have a second chance to do it right. Nollie and all my beautiful nieces are going to know they are loved by me for exactly the unique people they are. Mistakes and all. They are not only going to believe in their uniqueness, but celebrate it---and in doing so will shine their brightest light.

And by doing that, they will change the world.

Believe in the power of you, Nollie. I sure do.

Love,

Grandma TT

It is my experience that you don’t truly transform, until you hit rock bottom.

Or until your heart cracks wide open and you are finally no longer able to keep change from coming in. 

I absolutely remember my rock bottom and when my heart cracked open for good--it was loud and painful. I was in the midst of several big life changes, a new and (stressful to me) job, my youngest child growing up and fighting to do things his way, and a search for a greater meaning and purpose to my life.

I was alone in the house sobbing uncontrollably on a Friday night after a long and stress-filled week. I felt helpless, hopeless, and so far from myself I wasn't sure who I was anymore. Everything felt off. Wrong.

A mixture of shame, guilt, frustration, anger and all the other lower energies took control of me. The sobs came from deep within, the kind that leave a trail of snot and spittle on your shirt and sweat pits under your arms. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, and my heart hurt.  I remember being really scared I would not be able to summon the strength to pull myself back together again, to get myself under control if I let it all out. But keeping it in was no longer an option. My gut was burning.

What I see now looking back is that the breaking of my heart on that day in November of 2012 was not a falling apart to render me helpless, but a cracking open to heal. It was an answer to my prayers for wishing to live happier and freer. It was a letting go of the bottled up negativity that had held me hostage for way too long.

Lying on the basement floor, feeling broken and exhausted, I opened my eyes to the sound of another human being asking me what was the matter. It was the person who I might at the time have been the most worried about, most scared for and certainly the one I was feeling the most disconnected from. It was my youngest son Mitch.

At the time he was struggling with his own set of life issues, his having more to do with the friends he chose to hang out with and the choices he was making about his future. Mine revolved around my need to stay in control, to do things perfectly and to keep my Type A, control freak death grip on life in place. It was no longer working the way I was used to, and I was lost. I had fallen into a deep well of self-doubt and I couldn't find a way out.

His concern, his gentle words and the tender way he touched me, lifted me up and gave me courage to let it all out. I opened my eyes and out spilled all my regret over how I hadn't been the mom I had always wanted to be, how I had tried too hard to keep he and his brother safe and maybe in the process suffocated them and how everyone and everything was falling apart around me. Worst of all I was a mess and I considered myself a failure.  From my low place all I could see was what I had done wrong in my life.

There was no doubt I had gotten lost from my true self somewhere in the busy years of being a mom, wife and working woman. Yet beneath the controlling, judgmental, hypocrite I had become, Mitch still saw hints of the real me underneath the layers of pretend.

And with grace greater than I ever expected from him (or thought I deserved), he said the words I needed to hear. That I was not a parenting failure, that I was not a complete failure as a human being, that he, in fact, wanted to be more like me. Didn't I know that he wanted the kind of marriage, family and life his dad and I had for himself someday?

I looked out through my swollen eyes in disbelief and wonder, and I probably cried harder at that point, but the tears that streamed out were somehow softer, cleansing maybe, and I felt the tightness in my belly and chest begin to loosen. I believe now that this brief exchange at my rock bottom moment created a small space in my heart for the real healing to begin.

As Glennon Melton author of Carry On , Warrior so eloquently said: the call from God doesn’t just come once, if you missed it the first time (or the second or the third) he will find a way to reach you. To offer you that door again to see if you are ready.

I was clearly ready.

Up until that point in my life change had never my friend. Since the same old hadn't worked for me in years, it was time to try something new. When you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. Changes began in me and around me from that point forward. I won't say the changes were always easy, I experienced many things I never thought I would, and yet I found myself dealing with them in much healthier ways. 

Slowly but surely the broken pieces of me fit back into place --- putting me together in a way I had never been before. Or at least in a way that I did not ever remember being. Creating a better version of me. A more authentic, stronger, happier me.

There is no doubt grace finds a way in through the actions of others, through unexpected acts of kindness and sometimes even through what seems to be a hopeless situation.

For most of my life I feared rock bottom. Now I see it was the solid ground I needed to get to before beginning my ascent.

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Twice now I am an almost Grandma. And some days it is bittersweet. 

For those of you who don't know, my youngest son had a baby boy just over a year and a half ago and gave him up for adoption to a beautiful couple who do not live far from us and who are gracious enough to let us be a part of his life. I hesitate to say out loud that I am his "Grandma" because he has two others of his own and I would never want to take away from that. It doesn't stop me however from loving him just as much as his own Grandma's do. I might not get to celebrate the big moments of his life and spend holidays with him (like they do) but he is never far from my heart or my thoughts.

 Most days I am content to sit on the sidelines sending my love and celebrating each milestone he achieves while appreciating how lucky I am that he is in my life at all. It is kind of ironic that one of my number one expressions of gratitude is that he is a part of my life ---and yet that seems to also be the number one thing that people feel the need to remind me of how lucky I am to have. (I know they mean well but it also makes me wonder if they think I am unable to recognize and appreciate that on my own). I do admit there are days when I shed tears of regret-- that the situation isn't different, that I am not a full -fledged Grandma, but mostly I just appreciate.

I biologically have two sons, and yet I also have an "almost" daughter. Most people assume almost daughter means that she is connected to one of my sons, as in daughter in law, but in this case she is not. She is my daughter, well at least she is a daughter in my heart. If she didn't already have a biological mother and an adopted mother, I would love to take on the full fledged mother role for her. But since she is already well covered in the mother department, I am often referred to as the "other mother". And technically the "other mother" has no real rights or significance. I just love her and support her as best I can while honoring that she will forever have her own "real" mothers.

When your "almost daughter" has a baby girl-- you become an "almost Grandma" or the "other Grandma". My almost daughter had a beautiful baby girl about three weeks ago. They currently live in our house until they can swing their own place. Happily I get to be "Grandma TT" for the time they live with me, even longer if I am allowed. And yes, in case you were going to remind me, I AM very thankful for the time I have with them.

Since I once again am not a "real" Grandma, I continue  to tread lightly so as to not step on the real Grandma's toes. (Knowing that you could lose your tentative place at any moment forces you to learn to appreciate every single precious second.)

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be fully and rightfully a legit Grandma who can be loud and proud and not have to worry about doing something wrong and losing my tentative place. I hope so. I'd like to think I have learned a lot of valuable life lessons in the last few years about unconditional love and that my presence will be a loving one in the lives of all of my "almosts."

For now I am thankful to have the opportunity to love on beautiful babies who I feel connected to and who I love as much as one heart can.

As this Mother's Day approaches it makes me appreciate (even more) my own mother and all the "other mothers" who have influenced my life so far. And it encourages me to send some serious gratitude to those "other mothers and grandmothers" I see stepping up to share their love, support and guidance with their "almosts" --simply because their hearts know no other way.

Unconditional love is awesome. I am convinced it has the power to change the world.

Outside right now there are birds chirping, the snow is melting and some early and hopeful sprouts of green are peeking out of the post winter gray. We are so lucky to have a distinct change of seasons here in Michigan. It is exactly what I need to get me moving again. I have let so many things sit on the back burner while I turtled in this winter and stayed safe and warm. 

The change of season into Spring after the long cold dark days of winter is a kick in the pants for me to come out of hibernation and to begin anew. That means trees, walking, writing, taking photographs and soon-- going to my happy place at the cottage.

It also means I feel the need to step up my game as well. I have been held back in recent months by fear (maybe even as my friend Marcy says--the fear of too much success). All winter I could have been recording meditations. I could have had my friend Sue Ann type up the hundreds of blog posts I have written over the past couple of years and never published (she even volunteered) to see if there is a book in there.  I could have looked for a steady writing gig where I would share my words with a bigger audience and not just with my personal blog followers. But until yesterday when I recorded a few free meditations, I hadn't done any of those things.

I will put myself in the shoes of one of my personal coaching clients and ask: "What is holding you back?"

My answer: Failure. Indecision. And a fear that the simple life I have created for myself in the past two years might get complicated again if I do any of them.

I was proficient with deadlines when I had a business career. I made a lot of lists, judged the success of my day by what I got done, and I was extremely efficient --( I always knew the fastest way from point A to B). But back then the fear of losing control, of dropping the ball, of letting someone down, of failing to live up to my reputation --- pushed me so far into Type A control freak mode, I lost the real Terri.  And I do not ever want that kind of life again.

I love my life now. Both the days I have without many commitments and the days I am traveling from yoga class to yoga class. I am rarely rushed anymore. I have time to smell the roses and enjoy little moments, and just because I can, on occasion I take the long way "there". I dislike pressure and stress and can feel it so strongly in my body now, I do everything in my power to avoid it. Even to the point of stopping my own forward motion...

As I help others tune into themselves, feel better in their bodies, breathe deeply and open their hearts, I also continue to blossom into the best version of me. Not a day goes by that I don't learn something new--or smile in awe at how lucky I am. And I recognize that change leads to growth so I know I cannot coast forever. In order to grow fully into myself, I have to stretch myself. So I am currently getting myself "off go".

One way is to tell you (and the universe) that I am ready to take on more personal coaching clients. At first I doubted that I could flourish at life coaching because deep down I thought I had to get certified so that people would trust me to help them. I see now that I already have the skills I need to help others move forward. I've been building them for years and testing them out on myself --I know what has worked and what hasn't, as I am always my own harshest critic. So my advice to me is to take a step forward.

If you are looking for a catalyst to get you "off go" as well--let me know. I am ready to help via personal coaching and/or I am open to suggestions for workshops that you would like to attend. Let's get off go together.

Here is a little exercise I wanted to share to get you moving forward and thinking positively. It is Spring after all: the season of renewal, growth, and new possibilities. Enjoy!

The Path to Positivity Starts Within You

• Stop trying to please everyone
• Stop trying to be a star at the expense of your life
• Stop trying to do everything perfectly
• Stop doing everything yourself
• Stop relying on adrenaline to get you through

Instead, start saying "no" to others and "yes" to YOU. Please you. Let something slide or do your best even if it is less than perfect. Give yourself a break. Ask for help. Slow down. Smell the roses that are soon to bloom. And move in the direction of your best self.

ACTION PLAN:

The first ball I'd like to drop is :

__________________________________________________________________________

The first thing I'd like to do for myself to renew my spirit and give me energy is:

___________________________________________________________________________

The first step I will take toward getting unstuck and moving in the direction of a better me is:

__________________________________________________________________________

Now GO!

--Namaste,

Terri

I've been encouraged to try my hand at recording some guided meditations for relaxation. Here are a few to get you started. Each are around 10 minutes in length. It is key to remember that meditation is not about emptying your mind of thought, it is about quieting your mind and reducing the noise from the world around you to hear your deepest thoughts.

So I encourage you to find a comfortable quiet place and see if these meditations help rejuvenate your spirit. Please allow yourself a few extra minutes afterwards to reflect on the the places your mind wandered when it was allowed to just be for a bit. Oftentimes there is an important message that comes to the surface when we are finally able to quiet the noise.

I hope you enjoy these-- and will check back for more as I improve my technique.

--Namaste

Spring has sprung (or so I am pretending) and I am slowly coming out of my self-imposed hibernation. My thoughts are filled with sunshine, water, my meditation spot and the soon-to-be signs of new life as my trees get their leaves back on.  After a period of quiet they, like me, are ready for new growth. My writing season begins with this brief statement:

Dear Universe-

I am a recovering perfectionist, people pleasure, self-doubter, and control freak who has found her way out of the darkness and into the light of who I really am. Every day I embrace the opportunity to practice becoming the best version of me. As life ebbs and flows noisily around me I am grateful for every teacher I encounter, every lesson I learn, every opportunity (sometimes disguised as a mistake) I face, every chance to practice peace and positivity, and every little and big moment of my life that I am conscious enough to savor. In finding myself I have also found my tribe, a group of beautiful sensitive souls who not only support me but who remind me that I am enough just the way I am. 

I promise to do my very best to light up the world around me with the LOVE, PEACE and JOY I have found within.

Namaste.

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You are on a journey and so am I. It is called life. At some point during our lives we all recognize that we are on a quest for our best self -- learning lessons, making mistakes, repeating lessons, and finally moving forward to learn more. Some of us become aware of this process earlier than others; I was a late bloomer. 

For this trip we are taking we will need to pack lighter --and that will involve releasing whatever holds us back; Fear, Doubt, Anger, Regret, Shame or even just the mean voice in our head.

There was a time when I could not say:

I am whole.

I am powerful.

I am divine.

Because I didn’t believe it myself.

“If you don’t love and honor yourself with every fiber of your being, if you struggle with owning your power and passion, if you could use more joyful play and simple presence in your life, then it is time for an inner revolution. It is time to claim your Warrior Goddess energy. ”

— Heatherash Amara

As women we need to stop determining our value through the way others see us. We need to stop looking outside of ourselves for the answers and giving our personal power away to bosses, coworkers, boyfriends, husbands, children, friends, or whomever. We need to dig within to see our value and start seeing ourselves as perfect just the way we are. Then we need to start playing to our strengths so we can grow into our true selves.

When we stop trying to please others, or quit attempting to be who we think we should be and live as the person we really are, life gets so much easier, so much lighter. Only then are we free to fully breathe, free to experience joy and love and able to appreciate the present moment we are in. If we love ourselves, own who we really are and stand up for what we need and want, we then allow others to truly "see" us; and in turn we are able to really "see". A big part of my personal journey to well-being has been learning how to pack lighter and ditch the junk that weighed me down.

I often ask my yoga students to tune into their breath and body and to mentally let go of the things that weigh them down at the beginning of class. But sometimes I wonder if they even know what I am talking about. Years ago as I sat in my first yoga classes it was a foreign concept to me. I recognized that I had a mean inner voice that continually made me think I needed to do better at everything, but I didn’t really understand I had the power to “let go” of anything. And I didn’t comprehend how great it would feel to actually let go of the heavy burden of control, worry, judgment, and accomplishment I traveled with.

I was so used to carrying around that extra weight, I knew no other way to be.

Stress and I were one; as a result I lived so far from the peaceful place inside of me that I had lost touch with what it even felt like. I never floated, or went with the flow, or enjoyed any moment fully. There was always something else I felt I should be accomplishing, or finishing or worrying about. I was always swimming upstream.

The early exposure I had to mindfulness via my very first yoga instructors at the Y were the beginning nudges that smoothed the way for my mind, body and spirit to transform. I truly wish for everyone to feel lighter in their minds and freer in their bodies. So much joy comes from letting go of the unrealistic standards that weigh us down. And so much authenticity comes from the loosening of the strict standards we hold ourselves to. If a Type A like me can learn to let go and learn to believe in themselves again, I believe anyone can.

If you are unsure how to begin this process, here are some ideas: 

Make time to be still. In the quiet is where we hear our inner voice--the one who isn't mean. Just be at peace and let go of the need to accomplish. Practice this daily until you realize how much you need it.

Take a class. Something that tunes you in: i.e. yoga, tai chi, qigong, personal growth, meditation or a mindfulness class.

Walk in nature. (Without music or someone else to listen/talk to--listen instead to the sounds of nature around you, smell the scents of the earth, let the breeze wash over you).

Create. Make something, anything. Paint, Draw, Doodle, Sew, Photograph---use your creative energy to create without judgement or purpose--just do it for the fun of it.

Move your body. Dance to music or hula hoop, rock climb, skateboard, ski --just move and be joy-filled with the movement; it does a body and soul good.

There are so many fun ways to begin tuning inward, figure out what works for you by trying something new. Or you can hire a personal coach or sign up for a personal growth workshop -- whatever you choose to do, please believe in yourself enough to get started down the path of lightening your load.

--Namaste

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Life has an interesting way of teaching me lessons. As I work to right some of my old patterns of behavior and practice wholehearted and positive living, I seem to be tested at every turn. This year started off with great peace and a feeling that the loves of my life are healthy and well. And then things got rough.

We all  have those times where things literally fall apart, right? The dryer stops heating up, the furnace starts making funny noises and stops heating, the mailbox gets run over, and all of that is stressful and costly to fix, and you complain a little but understand that these things happen. And then the really big thing happens. You walk by a wall one night and discover wetness, then mold, and then this happens.

Followed by more discoveries of leakage. And this happens:

And now what once was your sanctuary AND your workspace resembles an abandoned building.

I've learned a couple of valuable lessons in short order. Things can always get worse, nothing lasts forever and ignoring your intuition can be costly. But I have also learned that I am very thankful for heat and a home, and jobs that allow us to make enough money to fix things that break.

As we dig into the source (s) of the water problem, it feels a lot like the digging in process I use to help others (and myself) move forward. We peel back layers of the house to get to the place where we can rebuild from. A place where there is a firm foundation. In the case of our house we need to dig down to where it is dry and solid and strong enough to hold us up. In rebuilding a human it is mining down to the place where we are most pure, honest with ourselves and free of untrue beliefs.  We cannot repair the damage for either in a day, but we can begin one step at time.

For the record, I'm good digging in with humans, the house mess just stresses me out.

I wish for everyone to be solid from the ground up. And I am aware that the process takes time and dedicated effort---yet I am also aware this is a process which does not allow you to cheat the corners or rush the reconstruction. You must begin at the beginning and work from there. One positive step at a time.

Who knew the healing of a structure whether it be a human or home involved the same slow process? To get to the root of the problem we must dig down deep to the foundation, smashing through walls and other barriers, revealing the truth, assessing the damage, then carefully extracting the old and sifting to finding the solid within. The beauty of all the work is in the rebuilding, the opportunity to create what you really wanted all along.

I believe anything strengthened in this way remains solid and steady enough to peacefully ride out any storm that comes next. I know this because if I had not spent the time fixing the structure that is "me", this current situation would have devastated me. Right now I am tired, and a little anxious, but confident that we will come out with a positive solution (and a healthy and clean house).

At times we all struggle, and in that place we are not alone. What we need to remember is that we always have access to peace and love and an inner strength that can fortify us, provided we know how to access it.

I am determined not let this setback shake my foundation. I remain thankful for solid roots, love and an open and trusting heart. I will let love guide me. Let hope lift me. And let faith fuel me.

This quote from Prayers To The Great Creator by Julia Cameron spoke to me this morning:

The Universe Funds Me With Strength

In times of adversity, I remember I am strong enough to meet the challenges of my life. I am equal to every situation, a match for every difficulty. Sourced in the power of the Universe, I allow that power to work through me. I meet calamity with strength, I have stamina. Rather than draw on limited resources, I draw on the infinite power within me that moves through me to accomplish its good. I am fueled by all the love, all the strength there is. Loving strength melts mountains. I am ever partnered and supplied by universal flow. Knowing this, I do not doubt my strength, I am strong and secure.

As I sat home on a March evening in 2013 watching a movie and sorting through paperwork, my best friend from high school’s life was changed forever. Her daughter died in a car crash on a cold Iowa highway. Addie had only recently turned 18. For those short months she had lived as an "adult", her Facebook posts and text messages reflected that life at college in Iowa was going well: she had a new boyfriend, a career direction she was passionate about, and felt a growing sense of independence.

I had known Addie since she was born, and although she lived in another state, we had stayed in fairly close contact. As it sometimes goes with teenagers, there were years we'd talk more than others. Yet when she needed me, I tried to be there for her and she certainly helped me keep tabs on my youngest son. On many occasions she knew more about what was going on with him from several states away, than I did living with him in the same house. And when she came back to town to visit her dad's family, she always made time to visit us.

It has been one year and just over nine months now since Addie passed away. Addie's birthday is January first,  so when the calendar changes to a new year; I am reminded that it begins without her in it. I think of her every day, sometimes more than once a day. I talk to her, too. All the time. She pops into my head when I need strength, patience, advice, confidence, or calm. She’s my go to help… and she always comes through, especially when I need that patience or wisdom to deal with my kids.

This "help" started soon after she died.

I was able to attend Addie’s memorial service at Cornell College soon after the accident and I helped her mom face the impossible task of cleaning out Addie's dorm room. What a strange awkward thing to do. Going through the remnants of someone’s life interrupted – it felt like such an intrusion, and yet it had to be done. Addie's mom, Jan, had flown into Iowa for a day and a half and had this one chance to get Addie's stuff all cleaned out. My heart nearly broke for her. We shared a lot of tears as we pawed through Addie's private things, boxing up what Jan wanted to keep (or what she was too exhausted to go through) and giving the rest to the local Goodwill or the friends who stood awkwardly by.

Jan asked me if I wanted something of Addie's and my first thought was "no", I couldn't take anything. It felt wrong, selfish, maybe even a bit creepy. But as I sorted through things and came across a soft, blue blanket; I reconsidered. I knew if I took her blanket I would think of her when I wrapped it around me, it would keep her memory close. And as I pictured the rest of her belongings being used by strangers (who I knew wouldn't think of her when they wore her shoes or her shirt) I decided maybe I would bring home a few more things. I had no idea then that she would become more a part of my life in death, than she ever had been in life.

That day I also felt compelled to ask for a necklace from Addie's eclectic collection. I let Jan choose which one she thought I should take. I have no doubt it was Addie who guided her to the perfect necklace for me. A simple silver chain with a charm that says “Follow Your Heart.” The words could not have been more perfect for me as only a month earlier I had done exactly that when I quit my “safe” job and left the business world I knew to take a leap of faith and “follow my heart”. I have taken the necklace off maybe twice since that day.

Except for the four or five times it randomly fell off in the weeks after my trip to Iowa.

The first time it happened I was certain the necklace had broken---I was drinking my coffee before school—I was substitute teaching at the time, and it fell off my neck and into my lap. In dismay I picked it up only to see that nothing seemed amiss. My husband confirmed as he put it back around my neck that it had just come undone. It seemed odd but I assumed it hadn’t been latched properly.

Until it happened again another morning. Same place.  Roughly the same time. I paid attention to what I was doing at the moment it happened again, somehow realizing that it was no coincidence. I knew Addie was trying to send me a message. She wanted me to notice something. To stop and pay attention.

Deep inside I questioned whether this was really a message from her, or maybe I was simply wishing for it to be.

But as the days went on and the necklace continued to fall off at strange times (always in places where I wasn't in danger of losing it) it became clear that someone or something was guiding me. I choose to believe it was Addie. I started meeting people who introduced me to new things and new ways of thinking, I reconnected with people I had lost touch with, and I started noticing unusual words that kept popping up in conversation or my news feed. (That is how I became a GROOVE dance facilitator, how I learned about Reiki and energy, and how I came to understand that I was a highly sensitive person.) All life re-directing events for me.

I followed the nudges. I worked to open my mind and heart. This led me to many places I would not have ever gone. I reconnected with my intuition, something I had long ago buried, and it changed my life in big beautiful ways. I started living more in the "now" and in short order the world became a beautiful awe-filled place again. I felt connected to the earth and to the universe. I became the person I had been born to be. And soon, instead of only shedding tears of sadness, I began to shed tears of joy and wonder. I now look at the world through "new" eyes.

I am not the same person I was a year and nine months ago. So much has happened. Growth. Acceptance. Love. Understanding. Joy. Wonder. Faith. So much has changed. For the better.

It is easy to get lost in the sadness of Addie's death, to cling to the bitterness about the senselessness of it all --- but I also see how many lives she has changed, how many horizons she has expanded. That is magic.

Part of me learning to let go of the control I clung to and the worry I lived with for most of my adult life, came from the realization that there was more to life than I had ever acknowledged. I am now able to live with hope and trust, joy and wonder, appreciation and grace instead of negativity and worry about the future. Without question Addie's death has created positive change in my life, and for that I am truly thankful.

I think of Addie at least once a day. I bet I always will. Calling her beautiful face to mind is as easy as breathing to me. Many times throughout a day I find myself holding the charm from her necklace between my fingers.

I wear her shirt to GROOVE in. I wear her Ugg boots around town. I carry her blue purse. She is always around me. She is always in my thoughts. She is forever with me. Thinking of her never fails to remind me to be thankful in that exact moment. For her. For my family. For my friends. For this life. And for the lessons I am lucky enough to be learning.

What matters is the love that is right in front of you. I hope to never take it for granted again. To never stop appreciating it. To never live for some time so far in the future that I miss today.

Follow your heart. Believe in fairies. Trust in love. Know that magic exists. Make your dreams come true while you still can. I hear you Addie, I'm trying.

RIP sweet girl -- I hope your spirit soars freely and with great abandon in Neverland.

Hello lovely reader:

As another year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the twists and turns my life has taken in the past year. As a girl who once attempted to plan out her life, it is almost laughable that a lot of what happened is nothing I would have ever planned. Some of it is nothing I ever imagined I'd even experience and yet it has to be one of the best years ever. Maybe not in the way most people would measure a successful year --- like by how much money I made, or how much I grew my new business, or what new stuff I was able to acquire. Instead I am measuring it by how much happiness was in it, how much love I felt and how easy it was to be fully me.

In 2014 I practiced being present to all the little things that mattered (and even to the ones that didn't seem to matter). I just wanted to make sure I didn't miss a thing. I rejoiced in both sunny and cloudy days, in planned fun and in unexpected detours, and I was able to find the sunny side of nearly every situation. As a result, I felt calm, peaceful and happy nearly all the time. Where I once would have let the unexpected get me down and stress me out, I went with the flow, stayed peaceful within, and paid attention to the greater meanings. And there were plenty of life lessons.

Even when it wasn't all rosy I looked forward to each day and the new possibilities. I watched for signs and remained open to opportunities. The times I was able to spend with my love, my family, my trees, my magic friends, my students and with my words were among the best moments of my life.

I have also experienced great kindness this year. Compliments I never saw coming (which to me are delightful affirmations that I am on the right track), and connections that rekindled or were made for the first time which turned out to be exactly what I needed next. I have been blessed to learn so many new and exciting things, and to put into practice what I have learned to empower others. Not only have I been able to guide them to personal wellness, I get paid to help them feel better in their own bodies. How lucky I am to have arrived in this beautiful place!

I made a lot of time for me in 2014. And as a result I feel like I can breathe again. My three words to live by were Clarify, Cultivate and Savor and in looking back, I believe I really did infuse them into my year.

Clarify: I let some things go this year along with the worry and fear and control I once clung to, and they were really important things: friendships, opportunities, job offers,  responsibilities. Clarifying and letting them go left me feeling lighter and freer.

Cultivate: I have learned some important life lessons in 2014 with the help of some incredibly talented friends and students. Their honesty and willingness to allow me to grow with them has lit my path ahead. One really big lesson that took me many tries to learn was saying "no" to furthering other people's dreams, and fully saying "yes" to furthering mine. I learned to believe in myself again and that is huge.

Savor: Part of appreciating what is right in front of you is being present to the beauty of everything.  For me that requires downtime to rejuvenate.  I made time to "turtle in" this past year and that allowed me to be the best version of myself. The people in my life deserve the best I have to offer and in order to give it to them, I require a lot of unplanned creative "me" time. I have learned that me being overwhelmed is awful for everyone around me. Keeping myself clear and bright allowed me to shine my best light ever in 2014. I think maybe I accomplished something I have always attempted --- to lead by example.

I wanted to reach out via this post and wish you a wonderful new year filled with love + light and to encourage you to make the changes necessary to bring forth the best YOU! Thank you also for reading my blog. Although I write for me (because that is how I process, grow and learn) I am grateful for every person who comments on the blog (or in person) to say that my words resonate. I am a word girl, and I understand that coming upon the right words at just the right time can be life changing. It is an honor to hear that a few of my posts have found their way to the right people at the right time this past year.

Namaste: the Spirit in me sees, honors and appreciates the spirit in you. Have a happy and blessed new year. My words for 2015 are Freedom, Growth & Joy in case you didn't notice. Have you chosen yours yet? I would love for my readers to hear what direction your life will be taking this next year.

--Terri Spaulding

P.S. Just in case you were looking for inspiration and/or ideas on how to make 2015 a year of forward motion, here is my latest newsletter with upcoming opportunities to come grow with me. Feel free to share this link http://eepurl.com/baiT41with anyone who might interested. Word of mouth, personal recommendations, and shares are the way I find my proper audience. Many, many thanks in advance.

I have tears of happiness in my eyes today.

I was granted one of my greatest wishes this weekend.

I was able to babysit my sweet grandbaby two evenings in a row. I got to feed him dinner, change his diaper, play balls and cars with him, give him a bath, read him a story, cuddle him and tell him how much I love him. I got to watch his little face express determination, curiosity, silliness, happiness, frustration and deep intelligence. I saw him walk, not crawl across the room for the first time and I was reminded of how busy a little boy can be.

I do not take those things for granted.

If you are reading a post of mine for the first time you may not know that my son gave his son up for adoption. And by the grace of God it is an open adoption and I am able to know my grandson; a gift so incredible it never fails to move me. Or to start the gratitude to his adoptive parents flowing.

This weekend I was able to watch my husband, the love of my life, be a real grandpa--- to make his grand baby laugh, teach him how to bounce a big ball, bathe him and rock his soft little body to sleep. I was able to see three generations of boy put together a racetrack.

I was also gifted the special moment of experiencing my baby reading a bedtime story to his baby and of seeing the sweet look of love on his face as he rocked him to sleep, their two hearts beating as one for a moment in time. I will lock that moment in my heart forever.

What a gift.

What a joy.

What a blessing.

I will treasure the wonderment of having Ford reach his hand back for mine as I stood by his crib, as if to make sure I was still there.

It made me see that love is all that matters.

It made me wish for him to know that anytime he reaches for it, my hand will be there for the taking. And as he tucked it in close to his chest I felt my heart melt with a rush of unconditional love so big it overwhelms me even now.

It inspired this Christmas Wish:

Ford-- I hope you know that I will always be there to take your hand when needed. I will love you from afar and take every chance I can to be present in your life so that you always know how special, wanted and loved you are. Ashley and Travis, I wish you to know how much I appreciate your grace and trust, and to explain that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to fully express the depth of my gratitude to you for allowing us to know your son.What may seem weird to others is nothing short of a miracle to me. You have inspired me to share grace in any way I can throughout all situations in my life. Your kindness brings me to my knees. When others doubt or question your choices in regards to allowing my little family to know Ford, please remind them that adoption goes both ways with healing. As much as you needed Ford, we needed you to provide for him what we could not. And letting go was the greatest way we knew how to show grace. Allowing us to be a small part of Ford’s life has not only been healing; it has been life changing. I wish for them to see us as additional support, and not as a threat. We never wish to compete with or intrude on the wonderful life you all have made for Ford. We only wish to let him and you know that he is surrounded by loved on all sides.

This Christmas miracle has inspired me from this moment on to take every opportunity I am offered to show LOVE, share LOVE, spread LOVE, and receive LOVE.

Because love is all that matters.

And I will keep the sweet scent of my grand baby’s freshly washed hair in my nostrils, the feel of his little hand in mine, and the joyful sound of his happy giggle in my heart as I head intochallenging times.  When I feel lost or scared I will remember the sweetness of his heart beating next to mine as I rocked him to sleep, and I will know that everything will be okay.

Related blogposts:

The View From Here

My Glass is Truly Half Full

The Here and Now

All of my life I have been very quiet about my spiritual beliefs. I think I learned from a young age that living in West Michigan without a deep connection to a specific religion or church was somehow a cause for shame. Maybe it came from so many years of people wanting to change me/fix me/save me by converting me over to their beliefs when they found I didn't have a powerful church connection of my own. Not one to blindly follow anything, I actually tried many different churches searching for one I felt at home in, but I always found "rules" and reasons that I could not wholeheartedly follow. Eventually I just stopped trying, yet continued to believe in God in my own way. 

Recently I have been more verbal about my spirituality and a friend, who also grew up in GR, sent me something they had written years ago explaining their answer to the age old question of: Are you religious? Imagine my surprise by how beautifully this described my feelings on the subject as well. Although my friend's story is not exactly mine, it is mine in so many ways.

My friend has graciously allowed me to share this with you in hopes it may help others let go of  long-held beliefs that what they believe is somehow not good enough. There is great power in knowing you are not alone. Thank you friend --you rock!

Am I Religious?

It depends. Religion, in my view, is a ritualistic means to a spiritual end and church is simply organized religion. Spirituality, on the other hand, is a quest for enlightenment, the search for truth. It is a personal and purposeful journey, one unencumbered by ritual. Although I’m not religious in the traditional sense, spirituality influences everything I do. It is the foundation of my character and it defines who I am.

I attended church as a child and at various times as an adult but my spiritual journey accelerated after an epiphany I experienced while traveling between C and D concourses at O'Hare airport in 1995.  Most of the people between the concourses were on the moving sidewalk. I was not. Everyone, including me, was putting one foot in front of the other. Yet those on the moving sidewalk were getting farther, faster than I was.  For some inexplicable reason I thought that spirituality (religion to some) was like that. Once you make a conscious choice to get on board, to accept that there are forces in the universe that defy explanation, you will be thrust forward. At that very moment, I simply surrendered a portion of myself and the result has been a clarity that wasn't there before. More order, less confusion. More peace, less angst.  I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't actually experienced it myself. In fact I waited many years before I even shared it with anyone because I didn't completely trust it. I do now.

Here is what I believe.

          I believe there is a spiritual impulse in everyone. A desire to comprehend the order of the universe and the kinship of mankind. All religions attempt to bring understanding to these complex issues. None have done it adequately for me. As a result, I don't belong to a church or denomination though much of what I believe is rooted in Christian principles, absent the dogma and perhaps with a pinch of the metaphysical. Although I believe in an omnipresent force, I don't believe that God (however defined) guides our daily lives and helps us choose between Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies in the morning. However, I do believe there is a natural order to the universe and the culmination of your life's experiences determines your place in that order. Like a profession of faith in the traditional sense, you cannot fully appreciate the order of things until you accept that you are not self-derived, self-sufficient, or self-sustaining.

Spirituality is a process that requires both contemplative persistence and intellectual surrender. Little effort is needed to believe that life is mostly random happenstance. Tremendous effort is needed to comprehend what cannot be logically explained. Neither effort has any meaningful return unlike the surrender I described above, which pays immediate dividends if it is sincere, passionate and unconditional. When you accept that forces exist in ways that defy explanation, you are no longer burdened by the need for empirical evidence that all life is connected and all lives are purposeful. You simply accept it because in your heart you know it to be true. You embrace it and it embraces you. Some call it faith and others call it fate. It's all the same to me and it doesn't matter how you get there. I respect anyone who commits themselves to spiritual endeavors as long as it goes beyond blindly accepting whatever they are told. Commitment to a ritual without conviction of the heart nets you nothing. To simply go through the motions of religious practice without the pursuit of spiritual enlightenment is both pointless and ultimately unrewarding. I don't believe you can ever experience heaven, or nirvana, or self-actualization, or whatever you seek without an honest, cognitive exploration of your individual spirituality. Although my definitions might differ from others, I can say without hesitation that I believe in God, I believe in prayer, I believe in faith and fate, and I believe we are all connected by a force that must be engaged but can never be fully understood.

So whenever I’m asked if I’m religious, my answer usually goes something like this……

• I believe you are religious not by proclaiming it, but by living it. That your actions and the thoughts that occupy your mind, day in and day out, on this earth, in this time, are more important than any profession of faith.
• I believe you are religious when you stop deluding yourself that you are self-derived, self-sufficient, or self-sustaining, whether you believe in creation or evolution, or neither, or both.
• I believe you are religious when you hold some hope beyond the present, some self-respect beyond your failures whether you believe in an after-life or not.
• I believe you are religious when your heart is capable of boundless joy because you are driven by the notion that life is a gift and should be treated as such. 
• I believe you are religious when it is your impulse to seek out the good in all things because you passionately believe it exists in all things.
• I believe you are religious when you have an abiding gratitude for all you have received regardless of your circumstances or the circumstances of others.
• I believe you are religious when you can look beyond the whole of mankind and see the splendor of the universe and a purpose in your own heart.
• I believe you are religious when you have done all that you can to know your own heart and then, in confidence, entrust yourself to a force that is much larger than yourself.

I’ve been thinking for a while about what I wanted to say in this post. And not just because it is Thanksgiving. What I have to say applies to the other 364 days of the year as well.

Dear amazingly talented beautiful-hearted women in my life:

I hesitate to tell you exactly how much you have shaped me the past couple of years because I am afraid that you will think I brought nothing to the table of our friendship.

Yet if I just say thank you, how can you even begin to know how deep my gratitude goes?

The thank you I am talking about is a thank you from the bottom of my heart (and soul). Because in many ways, you saved me.

You played a huge part in helping me find myself again. In so many little every day ways you showed me by your example how I could feel better in my body, be happier, and live freer. Your unique stories have opened my heart and inspired me to take risks that I might not have dared to before. You have helped me understand that I am not the island I once felt I was.

I am part of a tribe of strong, talented, uniquely inspiring women.

We are different; but we are so much the same.

From that common ground I not only have become wiser about understanding you, but also wiser about understanding myself.

I realize that your fears are also my fears.

Of not being enough. Of not being good enough. Of not being worthy.

I recognize that your sincere wishes are also my sincere wishes. To be appreciated for our talents, and not defined by our weaknesses. To feel our contributions have meaning and that our efforts at making the world a better place are both noticed and appreciated.

We wish to be free of the junk that weighs us down.

We desire to be loved and cherished for exactly who we are, even as we morph and grow.

We aspire to be the person we were always meant to be.

We need to believe that we are worthy of living the life of our dreams.

We deserve to be cherished, respected and loved by those that matter most.

Thank you women in my life for also standing up to show me the error of my ways.

For being my mirror. For reflecting back to me all those parts of me I was scared to see.  And shining a light on all your unique qualities that I hope to someday call mine.

For helping me see I was more than I thought I was. And more than I thought I ever could be.

Thank you for using your light to shine a path for me.

For patiently believing in me, even when I did not believe in myself.

For gently redirecting me when I veered off course.

For supporting all my crazy ideas.

And for doing everything you could to encourage me to continue to find my path and follow my heart.

Thank you for taking the lead when I had lost my way and for graciously letting me lead when I needed to believe I could.

For not judging me when I may have jumped to judge others.

For loving me when I didn’t love myself.

For showing me that bending does not mean breaking.

And for explaining that asking for help is a gift to those who love you most.

Thank you for your grace in making me feel that my talent is no less valuable than yours.  And for your empathy, compassion & understanding.

And most especially for calling me bad ass when I felt shaky about my own power.

Women in my life you are all glorious beacons of light and hope, not only for me, but for generations of women to come.

I admire your courage, I honor your truth. And I will never take you for granted. I am not only thankful for you, I LOVE you.

From the bottom of my heart I wish you all a Peace + Gratitude filled Thanksgiving.

--Namaste